people put their personal information online
With the advancement of technology, more and more people are opening accounts for social media and online banking purposes. While a lot of people sceptical it security, for me, I think that despite the convenience it may brings, people should not put their personal information online.
On the one hand, as we can see, signing up for an online account easier than ever due to the convenient of technology. In many cases, instead of complete lots of paperwork, users could quickly get an account for bank or for Email. By providing personal information online, people save time doing these registrations. For instance, users who want an account for twitter could do it via online on smartphone any where and anytime they want. Beside, one social media account could sign up for multiple things. Such as, Instagram link to Facebook. Users can administrative their accounts by provide their phone number or email address to get verified. This feature is useful when some invader trying to illegal invasion one's online accounts during an emergency.
On the other hand, there are several problems if one's personal information online is leaked. This user will become a target for not just material but also identity thefts or scam. For example, people may be bored by telesales people because their phone number are sold by companies, or worse the thefts can impersonate the user to claim insurance. People tend to share their status on their social media without private security, the thefts may take advantage of this to break into that person's house, or kidnapped to extortive.
To conclude, although making online account brought a great deal of benefits for people, it must be done carefully and security, in my mind it still more harm than good.
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The main question that the essay has to give a direct answer to first, then acceptable reasons for it second, leading to a strong conclusion last is "Do the advantages of social media outweigh the disadvantages?" This is the discussion question that requires the personal opinion of the writer in the form of a thesis statement. This was not responded to in the opinion statement of the writer in the first paragraph. Additionally, the prompt / topic restatement was also altered by the writer, thus creating a totally different discussion presentation for the essay. Such a serious prompt deviation will automatically result in a failing score due to the inability of the writer to properly understand the original prompt, lack of an ability to restate the topic, and a failure to deliver an appropriately formatted discussion opinion at the end.
The reasoning paragraphs do not provide the correct response either. The focus of the reasoning must be on proving either an advantage or disadvantage. This is still a single opinion essay, rather than a comparative analysis. Why? The discussion instruction asks a single question, it does not ask the writer to do a comparative discussion by saying "Compare the advantages and disadvantages". Rather it asks "Is it an advantage or a disadvantage?". The word "or" referring to an option to choose one or the other, but never both sides.
Overall, the essay does not meet the necessary requirements for a passing score even though the writer did his best to present what would have been a fantastic comparative presentation. It is unfortunate that the essay did not require a comparative discussion. If it had been so, then the writer would have passed, instead of failed the test.
Hi there! I hope my feedback will be useful in further developing your essay!
First of all, to make the flow of your essay much smoother, I think you can list down the minor topics that you will discuss later in the first paragraph. Doing so will allow the readers to have a rough idea of how you will present your argument. In the succeeding paragraphs, you may then further explain those minor topics. Doing so will make your essay more structured, and would allow you to go into further details.
Best of luck!