Dear EssayForum experts, could you please review one of my essays and give comments on it. I would also appreciate your advises how could I improve my writing skills in the nearest 2 weeks as I have toefl exam on August 16.
Question:
Some people prefer to play team sports, while others prefer to play individual sports. Which do you prefer? Give examples and reasons to support your answer?
Essay in which I've emphasized with bold style the errors which I had found myself after the review of the essay:
In my opinion team sports give more benefits to a person in terms of personnal development than individual kinds of sport do.
First, each team sport teaches you to be an effective team member and behave in close cooperation with other team members. In spite of the fact which precise kind of team sport a person pursues, one of the major requirements to the person is to be a responsive part of the team, a particle of the complex structure. The ability to be an effective memeber of a group of people has been becoming more and more important nowdays, because the majority of products and services are developed by group of people. If you buy a cake, send an e-mail or watch a movie, you use a product or service, which has been developed or is maintained by group of people. And the quality of that product or service very often depends on effectiveness of the internal communication of individuals involved in the development, production, sale, and support of that product. So each individual who is engaged in a team sport develops collaboration skill that is important almost for each employer.
Second, being a part of a sport team gives an opportunity to learn such universal personal treats as friendship, honesty, and tolerance because team members have no chance to escape internal communication.
That is why I beleive that team sports are better than individual kinds of sport.
About 260 characters.
Question:
Some people prefer to play team sports, while others prefer to play individual sports. Which do you prefer? Give examples and reasons to support your answer?
Essay in which I've emphasized with bold style the errors which I had found myself after the review of the essay:
In my opinion team sports give more benefits to a person in terms of personnal development than individual kinds of sport do.
First, each team sport teaches you to be an effective team member and behave in close cooperation with other team members. In spite of the fact which precise kind of team sport a person pursues, one of the major requirements to the person is to be a responsive part of the team, a particle of the complex structure. The ability to be an effective memeber of a group of people has been becoming more and more important nowdays, because the majority of products and services are developed by group of people. If you buy a cake, send an e-mail or watch a movie, you use a product or service, which has been developed or is maintained by group of people. And the quality of that product or service very often depends on effectiveness of the internal communication of individuals involved in the development, production, sale, and support of that product. So each individual who is engaged in a team sport develops collaboration skill that is important almost for each employer.
Second, being a part of a sport team gives an opportunity to learn such universal personal treats as friendship, honesty, and tolerance because team members have no chance to escape internal communication.
That is why I beleive that team sports are better than individual kinds of sport.
About 260 characters.
