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TOEFL: Some people prefer to play team sports, while others prefer to play individual sports.


VadimKlimenko 4 / 10  
Aug 4, 2014   #1
Dear EssayForum experts, could you please review one of my essays and give comments on it. I would also appreciate your advises how could I improve my writing skills in the nearest 2 weeks as I have toefl exam on August 16.

Question:
Some people prefer to play team sports, while others prefer to play individual sports. Which do you prefer? Give examples and reasons to support your answer?

Essay in which I've emphasized with bold style the errors which I had found myself after the review of the essay:

In my opinion team sports give more benefits to a person in terms of personnal development than individual kinds of sport do.

First, each team sport teaches you to be an effective team member and behave in close cooperation with other team members. In spite of the fact which precise kind of team sport a person pursues, one of the major requirements to the person is to be a responsive part of the team, a particle of the complex structure. The ability to be an effective memeber of a group of people has been becoming more and more important nowdays, because the majority of products and services are developed by group of people. If you buy a cake, send an e-mail or watch a movie, you use a product or service, which has been developed or is maintained by group of people. And the quality of that product or service very often depends on effectiveness of the internal communication of individuals involved in the development, production, sale, and support of that product. So each individual who is engaged in a team sport develops collaboration skill that is important almost for each employer.

Second, being a part of a sport team gives an opportunity to learn such universal personal treats as friendship, honesty, and tolerance because team members have no chance to escape internal communication.

That is why I beleive that team sports are better than individual kinds of sport.

About 260 characters.
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Aug 24, 2014   #2
In my opinion team sports give more benefits to a person in terms of personnal development than individual kinds of sport do.

I think I have already suggested you an approach for this task. This is your introduction and it is better you first introduce the background of the issue before stating your opinion on the issue. You should assume that reader does not have any idea about the topic and the intro is the place you need to introduce your topic to the reader.

First, each team sport teaches you to be an effective team member and behave in closework towards a common goal in cooperation with other team members.

In spite of the fact which precise kind of team sport a person pursues, one of the major requirements to the person is to be a responsive part of the team, a particle of the complex structure.

.... this one is indeed a too complex sentence for the reader to understand what you try to mean.... do not complicate your ideas by trying to display your vocabulary knowledge. What is most important in writing is clarity. If the reader does not comprehend what you write, then your writing would not be impressive :(
alberic - / 10 1  
Nov 16, 2014   #3
In my opinion team sports give more benefits to a person in terms of personal development than individual kinds of sport do.

Your introduction is quite dry and simple, try to create something that is more interesting that reflect your body paragraphs.

Aside from introduction issue, examples are not mentioned in the essay at all,

Lastly, your conclusion has the similar problem as your introduction. It does not reflect the content of your essay.


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