Writing Task 1- the percentage of Australian men and women doing regular physical activity

physical activity in australia

The chart shows the percentage of Australian doing regular exercise in different ages.

Through the chart, we can clearly see that women have higher percentage after the age of 24, and men have the highest percentage in 15 to 24. The curves formed by the different age groups in both genders are completely different, which means that change of the percentage is converse.

Looking in to details, women's percentage of regular exercise increases from 47.7% to 53.3% at the age group of 45 to 54, and the figure declines sharply after the age group of 55 to 64. On the other hand, the drastic drop of men's regular exercise percentage starts from 15 to 24 years old, and it climbs up after the age of 35 to 44. Also, the gap between the percentage of both men and women reaches the maximum of 13% at the group of 35 to 44, and the two numbers become almost the same at the group of 65 and older.

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1) your introduction paragraph is too short.
2) please write the question at first to help me understand your paraphrase.
3)Looking into details,
Help with mine ⇒Nowadays the way many people interact with each other has changed because of technology. In what ways has technology affected the types of relationships people make? Has this become a positive or negative development?

Kevin, since this is your first attempt at writing a Task 1 essay, I will give you some leeway and, instead of telling you the score that you will get, I will instead, offer you advice regarding how to better develop your essay writing skills for this task. For starters, you need to better develop your summary statement. While the summary can be located either at the beginning or the end of the essay, I find that it has more of a purpose when it is placed at the beginning of the essay. That way, you get to fully utilize the potential of the summary statement. The summary statement can help you outline your essay discussion when it is placed at the beginning because it can show the following information for the reader's reference:

1. The type of graph presented;
2. The topic sentence;
3. The type of survey or measurement taken;
4. The pertinent information in relation to the measurements;
5. The trend as seen in the graph.

Once you present a strong overview / summary statement, you will be able to manage a higher TA score. In this instance, your essay lacks a proper identification of the aforementioned information. An examiner will take a look at your opening statement and decide that you did not take the time to properly analyze the provided information. He could decide to give you a failing score right there and then.

You should also aim to present at least 3 full paragraphs for this essay. You currently only have one complete paragraph, which means you will not be able to meet the C&C paragraph requirements. Basically, this is a good attempt at writing your first essay. It is not, however, a very well developed / presented essay. Please look at the other essays at this forum related to Task 1 in order to get a better idea as to how you can improve your writing and presentation skills.

If this a work for publication I think you can't use phrase like "Looking in to details", YOU CAN SAY, "From the finding, ..."
I believe you mean "Looking into" not "in to".
The location where the work was done should be stated.