the proportion of obesity went up
In the last decade, a surveillance established that the proportion of obesity went upward by almost 20%. It caused a controversial topic about what is the reasons of this overweight trend and solutions to this problem. In this essay, this case will be discussed.
Firstly, the main cause of this movement came from a poor diet. In 10 years, the consumption of junk foods increased dramatically because a lot of children addicted to its taste and they prefer eating them to the main dishes, which means their menu did not have any vegetable, original food. Secondly, sweet, cupcake and noodle also revealed parents who have hard work. For example, the mother and the father that took most their time to deal with projects and deadlines often bought their children fast food in order not to waste their time for preparing breakfast. As a result, it was also parents' mistakes to let their children become overweight.
Having suffer from those unhealthy hobbies, children usually faced to the long-term diseases such as diabetes and lost their ability to do the physical activities. In some case, they might experience bullying at school because of their oversize body, it also had a huge impact on their mental health, which made them undergo perssimistic and stressful. In the worst case, children could make up their mind with the unrecommended methods to lose weight.
To sum up, it can be seen that there were multiple factors that could explain for those worrying issues and the unexpected effects to the victims. The society need to publish some methods to prevent a deteriorating situation.
THANKS FOR YOUR HELP!!!
Holt Educational Consultant - / 15357 The prompt restatement and writer's opinion has met with some problems in this presentation. For one thing, there is no reference to a "surveillance" being done to arrive at the percentage number. So that should not be referenced in the paraphrase since it includes unsupported information that altered the basis of the topic discussion. Second, the writer did not provide a direct response to the questions provided with regards to the cause and effect of obesity. Therefore, the writer failed to establish a discussion trend for the questions. Due to these questions, which affect the accuracy of the first paragraph, there is no way the preliminary score of the essay, in relation to the discussion requirements, will be a good one. It may not achieve a base passing score.
There is a problem with the English vocabulary used in the essay. While the examiner will appreciate the effort to use advanced English words in the task, the incorrect synonym and vocabulary reference will lead to further deductions, this time in the LR section. The essay will already receive a failing final mark based on these 2 errors alone. Bear this in mind, obesity is not a movement, but rather a health problem caused by over eating. This is only one of several incorrect word usages in this essay.
Both discussion paragraphs are not properly developed to the point where the reasons presented are properly explained. The paragraphs do not meet the coherence and cohesiveness requirements for the discussion since the writer does not make an effort to explain the reasons he presented in a connected manner. The effect paragraph is the most badly affected by that lack of discussion development.
The conclusion left the essay open ended rather than concluded because of the continuing discussion in this part. This time, there is a reference to solutions to the problem, which is not a discussion factor in the original presentation. Therefore, the essay will be considered without a proper summary conclusion and as such, be given a failing score for that consideration as well.
Overall, you tried your best to develop a proper discussion but these mistakes prevented you from doing so. These errors require you to develop your English comprehension skills and proper vocabulary. You need to truly understand word meaning prior to using a word so that you can avoid improper word usage in the future. Remember that you need to develop your explanations for reasons, and connect them. You do not need more than 2 connected reasons per paragraph to achieve that.
There are some grammatical mistakes in your essay. For example, "the main cause of this movement came from a poor diet": "came" should be replaced by "comes" since this sentence is related to the writer's opinion that has nothing to do with the past tense. Also, "a lot of children addicted to its taste" should be "a lot of children were addicted to its taste". Such mistakes can affect your Grammatical Range and Accuracy scores negatively.
It much better to replace "they prefer eating them to the main dishes" with " they prefer to eat it as the main dish". "The mother and the father that took most their time to deal with projects and deadlines", you can replace it with" Parents who are frequently deal with over time work...." and etc...