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IELTS1:THE CHART SHOWS THE PERCENTAGE OF MALE AND FEMALE WHO WERE OVERWEIGHT IN AUSTRALIA 1980, 2010


tinapakshad1 3 / 5 2  
Jul 16, 2019   #1

the amount of unfit persons in australia



The diagram illustrates the proportion of people who excess weight for both genders in detail between 1980 and 2010 in Australia. Overally, it shows that the proportion of men who are overweight has been more than women in the 10 years. Moreover, it is recognizable that the number of female with the same attitude has been raising while males had a drop between 2000 and 2010.

The proportion of overweighed men started with 40 percent and reached to near 50 percent in 1990 and eventually make it to 65 percent in 2000.After this excess time, this proportion number went down to 60 percent in 2010. In comparison, the proportion of over weighted women has been always growing about 15 percent every 10 years from 1980 to 2000 and after that had a steady record for 10 years. As it can be seen, female unfit proportion number started with 30 percent in 1980 and reached to 55 percent in 2010.

In conclusion, it can be resulted that the amount of unfit women has moderately enlarged while men's record reveals a growth between 1980 to 2000 and a reducing trend in the next 10 years.




Maria [Contributor] - / 613 244  
Jul 16, 2019   #2
@tinapakshad1
Hi there. I'll provide you with feedback on your writing.

Overall, your writing is put-together. I would suggest being more wary of small mistakes that may hinder the overall quality of your writing. This can vary from spelling mistakes to puny grammatical mishaps. Just try to reread and ensure that everything is in place.

In addition, I would suggest evading the usage of complex and lengthy sentences. Try to create simpler structures, mixing up the dyanism of the content through ensuring that your essay is properly coordinated.

Furthermore, make certain that you are consistent with your usage of words. Try to use particularly academically appropriate words throughout.

Best of luck.
ghadianysaina - / 5 2  
Jul 26, 2019   #3
There are lots of tiny grammatical slips Tina

e.g.

people who had carried excess weight
Overally overall, it shows ... men who are were overweight has had been more than women in the those 10 years.

Please rewrite the essay and post it so we could work on it more
learner20199 - / 2  
Jul 29, 2019   #4
Wow! You have written an amazing description of the chart. There were few gramatical errors, which @ghadianysaina has highlighted, but that's okay.


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