IELTS 1; the percentage of persons arrested during 5 years / the reasons

Hi, I'm Sari, I student from Palembang city, Indonesia. Here is writing that I have written to describe the detail of the figures. Would you please let me know you comments. Thank you in advance.


Question :
The pie chart shows the percentage of persons arrested in the five years ending 1994 and the bar chart shows the most recent reasons for arrest.

Sumarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The two pie charts compare the proportion of males and females who were arrested starting in 1989 and ending in 1994. Then, the bar graph illustrates the percentage of most seven reasons for different genders. It can be clearly be seen that the rate of men were arrested higher than women. Following that, the most reasons for arrests in every gender was a public drinking.

A closer looked at the bar chart, the percentage of males were arrested was higher than females. There were about 32% of men and just 9% for women. In addition, there were the main seven reasons that were caused arrested persons. Public drinking was the common reason for arrests both of females and males from the other reasons, roughly 31% and 37 % respectively, while the rate of women was higher than men. There are four reasons that were dominated by males were arrested (drink driving, breach of order, theft and other answer), where they were in the range of 16% - 26 %, while the proportion of females in the range 12 % - 13% in the same reasons.

In the other hand, assault was popular reason for females than males, roughly 19% compares around 12%. Next, no answer was the lower percentage both of men and women were arrested.

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Siti, Welcome to EssayForum :) I am glad to see the spirit of a new member of this forum. This is a valuable place for you and all of us to improve our writing skills by giving corrections and feedback to other members' essays. However, you need to be careful that most of suspended members were giving meaningless feedback, which means they only gave 1 or 2 sentences feedback, or even shorter. So, you need to push yourself to give the best that you can in sharing some insights or thoughts towards other members' essays. Now, for a breakdown of your errors with some corrections, you can see the descriptions below.

- ...the percentage of mostlatest seven reasons for different genders.
- Overall, it can be clearly being seen that, / it can be seen that , the rate of men... (pick one of them, optional)
- ...the rate of men were arrested was higher than women.
- Following that, the mostlatest / newest / most recent reasons for arrests in every gender was a public drinking. (choose one of them, mentioning only 'most' doesn't convey the precise meaning)

- A closer looked at the bar chart, the percentage of males were arrested was higher than females.
- ...that were caused arrested persons.persons/people became arrested.
- ...females in the range 12 % (it should be 12% 'without space')

Siti, keep in mind that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences in each before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system. So the following third paragraph still needs work.

On the other hand.... (1st sentence)
Next,... (2nd sentence)
In addition,... (3rd sentence)

Good luck for the next practice :)