Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width   Posts: 2


The Percentage of Pupils Appearance in Secondary School (IELTS Task 1)



mujahid_fadli 16 / 3  
Oct 31, 2015   #1
The table reveals the percentage of students appearance in several kinds of secondary school in three differ years; 2000, 2005, and 2009. Overall, while pupils showed a significant increase in presence appearance in classrooms year by year, three other sorts of intermediate school witnessed a decrease pattern.

According to the information, pupils presence in community school experienced rose generation by generation. It started at 12 percent in 2000, and then grew to 20 percent in 2005. In the end of period, this figures inclined to 58%. In the other words, eventually, the number of students presence increased almost five times rather than at the first time.

This is in stark contrast to specialist schools, grammar schools, and voluntary-controlled schools that revealed a fall trend. Actually, especially in specialist school, the attendee experienced a slight decline where each period only rose by one percent; 2000 (12%), 2005 (11%), and 2009 (10%). Moreover, in 2000, the attendee in grammar school started at 24% and then fell two folds (12%) in the end of period.

Furthermore, voluntary-controlled schools witnessed a dramatic fall on the attendance record in intermediate school. To begin, it began broke the record when in 2000 reached 52 percent of pupils in class. Yet, by time, this number fell to 38 percent in 2005, and ended up the period by hit lower point of 20 percent in 2009.


  • ES8.png


fadh93 6 / 11  
Nov 3, 2015   #2
Hi

I am still newbie here so I don't think that I will give an extravagant comments.

Overall, while pupils showed a significant increase in presence appearance in classrooms year by year, three other sorts of intermediate school witnessed a decrease pattern.

"several kinds of secondary school in three differ years; 2000, 2005"

I think it should be three different years
As I know, to differ is verb.

"pupils presence in community school experienced rose generation by generation"
I tend not to use generation by generation because the difference between years are only 5 years, so I think it's better if you use year by year.

I think that your essay has used the correct structure, but it's good if you have better arrangement of sentence to make it more interesting.

Cheers


Home / Writing Feedback / The Percentage of Pupils Appearance in Secondary School (IELTS Task 1)
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳