[IELTS Writing task 1] Pie chart - Comparative Graphs; time spent on several activities

Hi. I am self-studying for the IELTS exam, I'm trying to get a band 7.0 in writing skills and here is one of my tasks 1 writing, I would be so grateful if I could get feedback on my mistakes and how to improve my writing. Thank you!

Summarise the information from the pie charts

The graph illustrates the alterations in time proportions of workers spent on several activities in a specific country in the two years 1958 and 2008. Overall, people spent most of their hours working, while the time for work and travelling to the workplace, time at home and on other interests increased, people spent less time sleeping and going out.

In 2008, 42% of adults' time was spent at work, 9% more than that in 1958. They also spent 5% more of their time relaxing at home compared to 8% 50 years ago. The time spent commuting had risen up 4 times than the figure of 1958, at 8%. There was also a slight rise of 2% in people's time for hobbies and sports, at 8%.

During that time, labourers spent 7% less time sleeping than 32% in 1958. The time people spent going out with their friends and family significantly declined by about three times with 6% in 2008

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Well you did well in terms of providing an ample word count for your task 1 essay. However, you could have written more words to help increase the overall scoring consideration. 159 words is not enough to gain the score number you are aiming for. You can achieve that if you write at least 175 - 200 words. That word count allows you to properly display your English writing skills and grammar knowledge for scoring consideration on an individual and collective basis.

You did not properly identify the image in your summary overview. You were provided with 2 pie charts, not a single graph. So the short information form presented is faulty and confusing to understand. This is not a very accurate explanation of the given image. Analysis is also faulty since you have a tendency to compress the information into single sentences when you have a 3-5 sentence allowance per paragraph. There are also missing punctuation marks in the presentation. You are showing a limited range of punctuation use and a lack of proper sentence style presentation. All of these errors will prevent you from achieving your desired score.