Unanswered [8] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 7

"Is popular culture the strongest influence on a young person's identity?" SAT Essay


Dawn01 19 / 33  
Jul 7, 2015   #1
I am preparing for The SAT. I wonder, if you guys could grade this essay out of 6 and give some feedback, it would be much appreciated. Thanks!

SAT January 2013 Essay:

Prompt


Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.
Young people are highly influenced by popular culture. They attempt to define themselves on the basis of what they see on television, in newspapers and magazines, and in the movies. In fact, young people accept the values of popular culture as their own, believing that those values are central to their personal development and social acceptance.

Assignment: Is popular culture the strongest influence on a young person's identity? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

My Essay:

In a world overwhelmed with the brands of globalization manifested in a standardized way of living, eating, behaving and acting, starkly different views rose on the fore while asking whether cosmopolitan culture or popular culture has the final say and the strongest impact on youth's identity.

A couple of axioms might be usefully affirmed at this point. I believe that young persons' consciousness is determined by local tradition, customs, and popular culture. In fact the early exposure to folklore, religious practices and traditional celebrations plays a pivotal role on kids' personal perspectives toward the world around them. Their identity, then, is just a renewed reflection of community's morals, believes and aspirations. Just like a sponge who absorb the water from the surroundings, so that, young persons' identity take its principle supplies from popular culture. That's how we can distinguish people around the globe. For instance, German Work ethic, American Liberalism and Chinese endurance are proves that generations' identity is shaped by the local philosophy, ideology and vision and each upcoming generation can't help but follow the footsteps of its ancestors and build an identity based on culture's insights.

Another straightforward argument has to do with young persons' concerns, dreams and substantial causes. In fact, media/propaganda messages, foreign pundits analysis's or strangers' views have little influence on people experiencing colonization or segregation, at an early age. At the other side Cultural roots tend to satisfy the inner appeal inside youth calling for sovereignty, autonomity and dignity. At this stage, we can understand that the popular culture is mostly effective to attract kids' hearts and put its unique fingerprint because the culture encapsulates the nation's wisdom, experience and history. So a child with a raw and pure mindset is doomed consequently to be a part of his people by assimilating all its values from its popular culture.

Since brevity is a source of wit, I have to be precise and concise that a young person's identity is the fruit of his native culture regarding the scope of its influence on any part of his personality, be it spiritual or material.

Junisha111p 11 / 21 4  
Jul 7, 2015   #2
In a world overwhelmed with the brands of globalization manifested in a standardized way of living, eating, behaving and acting, starkly different views rose on the fore while asking whether cosmopolitan culture or popular culture has the final say and the strongest impact on youth's identity.

Regarding Comma's in sentences..

--In the world, overwhelmed with brands of globalization, manifested in a standardized way of living, eating, behaving, and acting, starkly different view rose on the fore...

Please find the appropriate place for comma.

let me know what you think
OP Dawn01 19 / 33  
Jul 7, 2015   #3
Is this the only prorblem ?? No mitakes?? So grade it out of 6
lisa_severus 6 / 8 2  
Jul 7, 2015   #4
Just like a sponge who absorbwhich absorbs the water from the surroundings, so that, young persons' identity take its principle supplies from popular culture.

build an identity based on culture'scultural insights

You have a very good command of vocabulary and sentence structure.
Your essay is well-developed with argument and reasoning.
However, I don't see many specific examples to support your position, as recquired in the prompt.
OP Dawn01 19 / 33  
Jul 8, 2015   #5
Please any grade out of 6???
Mr Baniu 1 / 5 1  
Jul 8, 2015   #6
Their identity, then, is just a renewed reflection of community's morals, believes beliefs and aspirations.
For instance, German work ethic, American Liberalism and Chinese endurance are proves proofs that generations'...

I think overall you did a pretty good job writing this essay. You showed a deep command of use of vocab as well as complex sentences despite a few grammar mistakes(as stated above and in others' posts. I would grade it5 out of 6.

"In fact, media/propaganda messages", here, slash is not appropriate in formal academic writing. You can say "media or propaganda".

Also, you need to include your thesis statement in the 1st paragraph. Allow me to add one for you.

In a world overwhelmed with the brands of globalization manifested in a standardized way of living, eating, behaving and acting, starkly different views rose on the fore while asking whether cosmopolitan culture or popular culture has the final say and the strongest impact on youth's identity. As far as I'm concerned, youth's identity is certainly influenced by the popular culture.
OP Dawn01 19 / 33  
Jul 8, 2015   #7
Mr Baniu, I really appreciate your help , Thanks !
Any other grade out of 6 ? Any other recommendations From EF_Contributers or members?


Home / Writing Feedback / "Is popular culture the strongest influence on a young person's identity?" SAT Essay