(IELTS WRITING TASK 2) Population aging: effects and solutions

Nowadays, people are living longer and healthier.

Although it proof that living condition and medicine is better and better, it predict a opposite problem. That is one third of the population will be aged 65 or over and birth rates will decline by the year 2030. What effects will this have on our society?

This problem definitely lead to many negative effects to economic development. Many evidences show that almost assets are owned by elderly people. However, they are getting older and older, their health is more depress too, then cause many complaints: stroke, cancer, diabetes,.. This mean that they have difficulty in working to support their living. So they are forced to depend on other working people and social welfare cost. Gradually, that will become a economic burden on our society.

By 2030, the birth rate will have declined and the percentage of old people will have risen significantly. This means that fewer people will be working, therefore fewer people will be paying income taxis. So it's more difficult for government and enterprises to maintain the pension fund. Younger generation will also need to work much harder to make up this economic shortage. Not only that, population aging also result in labor shortage then affect negatively to economy.

So what can be done now to prevent these problem? First, I believe that government should increase the official retirement age to 70 or even older. Secondly, I think a suitable population policy will make a positive effect, for example encouraging people to have larger families. Finally, goverment should encourage migration from developing countries so that the problems of over-crowding can also be solved.

Although it proof that ... better -> is obvious that medical breakthrough has improved living standards, it predict a opposite problem -> seems not to lengthen human life expectancy. That is One third of ... and birth rates will decline -> will have declined by the year 2030. What ...

... lead to many negative ... development -> economic depression
So they are forced to depend on other working people and social welfare cost. Gradually, that will become a economic burden on our society. : It is pretty good

So what can be done now to prevent these problems?
B]Your essay is lack of conclusion[/B]

This is a task 2 essay. That means the first paragraph should be a paraphrase or restatement of the given prompt in a factual manner. The first paragraph is never used to begin the discussion. The TA score is based on your English comprehension skills. That means the TA score is mostly focused on the way that you represent the requirements of the introduction / paraphrase paragraph. The requirements for the first paragraph are:

- A clear and cohesive restatement of the prompt topic for discussion. Include repetitions of the reasons from the original using a different sentence structure and keywords representation. This is to be done in your own words.

- A restatement of the instruction for the prompt which is represented by your response to the instruction. In this case it would have been:
... This essay shall discuss the outcome of the decline in birthrate and increase in the aging population.

Now, forgoing the mistake in the requirements for the first paragraph, your current introduction and the following discussion paragraphs would have functioned very well as supporting evidence for your topics. It is well thought out and clearly based on a thorough understanding of the topic, without requiring research. The common sense approach to the discussion helped you create a good mix of complex and simple sentences. Word of caution though, do not use ellipses in formal essay writing. The ellipses are better used in informal / casual essay writing. This is an academic paper that expects you to follow basic English grammar rules in your presentation.

There is a possibility that you may face additional point deductions in the TA section for offering solutions to the problem. That is because you were only being asked to discuss the effects, not possible solutions. You ended up deviating from the given prompt which, ended up changing the whole discussion point in the end. Do not offer information that is not asked for in the original prompt. Otherwise your essay will be scored based on a tangential response score in the TA section.

The essay is not properly concluded. There is no concluding paragraph presented because you discussed an additional, unsolicited topic in the last paragraph instead of simply summarizing the full discussion for the concluding wrap up statement as required.