IELTS Task 1 essay practice - Population Distribution in two different countries, two different year

Answer

The pie charts provide information on the proportion of populations based on citizens' age in two different countries, in the year of 2000 with predictions for 2050. Each pie chart divides the people in their country into three groups of people according to their ages: young children, adults and elderly.

In 2000, Yemen had about half of their people as young children, while in Italy only less than a quarter of the population were kids. Moreover, about two thirds of Italians were adults in 2000, whereas Yemen had less than half of the population adults. Only small portions of elderly were found in Yemen in the year of 2000, while in Italy about one fifth of the inhabitants were aged people.

In prediction, there will be more than half of locals in Yemen who will be adults by 2050; in Italy the number of adults will decrease to less than half of the citizens. On the other hand, young children in Yemen is also forecast to be decreased by more than one tenth of the population. While the number of young children in Italy will decrease slightly.

Note:
apart from your comments, kindly give me a predicted score for this writing.
Thank you in advance.

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  Question
  

Hi Fatma, I would like to try to assess you based on IELTS writing band descriptors of task 1. I hope my assessment would be as accurate as the real one. You can see it in the detailed descriptions below.

Task Achievement:
- It is the most crucial part if you want to achieve band 6 or above. Your essay cannot go further than 5.0 because there is no clear overview of the pie charts in the beginning nor in the end of the essay. You can say that "Overall, it can be seen that, Yemen middle age group population are predicted to be improved, while Italy are the opposite."

Coherence and Cohesion:
- Due to the absence of clear overall progression, I reckon that it is unfortunate this essay can only reach 5.5. Actually, some of your cohesive devices were accurate. This helps you to reach some of the negative features of band 6, which then makes your essay coherence and cohesion has risen to 5.5.

Although I don't clearly mention Lexical resource and grammatical part, I think that it will be enough to say the final grade of this writing. I think it is about 5.0 or 5.5 maximum. This was because your complex sentences tend to be less accurate than simple sentences. In the next practice, you need to be careful that fragments can be considered a fatal error in grammar. Try to be more aware next time, especially when you write complex sentences. It is possibly drag your band score down if you keep doing the same mistakes. However, this was just my point of view. Don't be afraid of making any mistakes, you can learn from these errors. I hope you can do better in the next practice. Good Luck :)

The pie charts provide information onabout the proportion of populations based on citizens' age in two different countries, in the year of 2000 withand predictions for the year 2050. Each pie chart divides the people in theireach country into three groups of people according to their ages...

Yemen had about half of their people in Yemen wasas young children
while in Italy, it only less

In future prediction
is also forecastedto be decreasedwill decline by more than

Both forecast and forecasted are correct.
I think it is more appropriate to use either elderly people or simply elders
Considering that I have also written many tasks 1, I advise you when it comes to predictions to use structures such as the following ones because they sound very academic:

It is forecast that...
It is predicted that...
It is expected that...
It is anticipated that...