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TOEFL preference essay " sports vs.arts" - feedback welcomed :)

eng_student 1 / -  
Nov 18, 2009   #1
Some people prefer to participate in sports for recreation. Others prefer arts.
Which do you prefer ? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

Participating in sports is very enjoyable and profitable for everyone. I want to put an emphasis on three important reasons to prefer sports: economical, social, and educational.

A rich community is built by healthy people. They need less money for healthcare, and are rarely absent from work. The high spirit created by the exercise allows them to be much more efficient and productive. I think that we have to apply in our lives the wisdom of the proverb "Healthy spirit in a healthy body ". Practicing sports is one of the efficient ways to maintain a healthy body and a healthy spirit.

Furthermore, the human being is a social creature. Team sports are a great possibility to interact with people, have some fun, and find friends. My little son is very happy when he plays soccer with his father. They go to a soccer field, full of playing boys and girls, and have a good time together. This strengthens their connection and allows my son to mingle with children of his own age and to enjoy life.

The last but not least is the educational profit from sports. Teaching us self-control and discipline, sports help to build spiritually stronger people. We understand how to concentrate, how to struggle for victory, and how to cope with losing. They give us the opportunity to appreciate the necessity of hard work, thus preparing us for higher achievements in life. Basketball player "Magic" Johnson is not only a wonderful sportsman but also a very successful businessman. It is encouraging to see that he is a leading example for many young people.

The human body needs a sufficient amount of exercise to function properly. Without this it's almost impossible to be active economically, to enjoy the completeness of life and to do something profitable for yourself and the whole of mankind.

Poojasugandhi 18 / 35  
Nov 18, 2009   #2
State your preference clearly in thesis para. write 2 - 3 sentences in it.
In 3 rd para you can start with. Another important reason or One of the most important reason...
In 3rd para.. They teach us ho wto concentrate...
rest if ok need some grammectical correction.
hitchhike 14 / 27  
Nov 18, 2009   #3
Some suggestions:

Why don't you use a motivator at first?
profitable and enjoyable are not precise opinions for thesis statement.
you used no transition within each paragraphs.
and a positive point, i think that you supported your blue print very well
margarita 8 / 25  
Nov 23, 2009   #4
I believe when you are asked to stay and support your preference about two o more topics, subjects or things, you have to mention why you do prefer one of them, but also why you do not choose the other(s). In this case, why do you prefer sports instead of arts? Sports vs. Arts. Please correct me if I am wrong.

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