Prevalance of supermarket leads to the death of smaller bussinesses? IELTS writing task 2

many small, local businesses are unable to compete with the big supermarkets

Due to the development and rapid expansion of supermarkets in some countries, many small, local businesses are unable to compete. Some people think that the closure of local business will bring about the death of local communities.[/b]

[b]To what extent do you agree or disagree.

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

My writing

In recent years, the prevalance of supermarkets in some countries causes the disadvantages for the small businesses. Some people believe the inactivity of these businesses lead to the death of local communities. I partially agree with this stament and the explanations will be cited out below.

It is undeniable that there are growing numbers of shopping markets being built in several countries which dominant over minor businesses. The first and foremost reason is that these supermarkets are financially supported by enterprises, therefore they offer variety of products with different brands and usages. Thus, they attract more customers to spend their budgets on. Another thing to be identified is that those goods of supermarkets are usually undergone strict quality checks by authorities, in which scarcely be found in smaller businesses. Hence, buyers will choose supermarkets as a reliable sources for daily demands.

Nevertheless, the local businesses cannot be executed. This can be explained by the closeness between these businesses and people. For instance, despite more shopping centers being opened in some undeveloped areas in Vietnam, minor businesses can still survive because they understand the locals' needs and they are readily able to communicate with customers, which is not prevalent at all in national supermarkets. In addition, some stocks of supermarkets are imported from smaller businesses, in which creat more income and job opportunites for those local companies.

In conclusion, the commoness of shopping centers can result in the underdog of many tiny businesses, yet it is unlikely to claim that this is the end of smaller businesses in the future.

It looks like I have trouble with thesis stament in the introduction, and the conclusion is somewhat iffy in my opinion. Any helps are all be held of value by me.

Weak areas are grammar, sentence structure, wrong use of words e.g minor business.

For conclusion follow this structure,
Rephrase/summarize para 1 and para 2 and then agree / disagree.

Practice more and more. Official guide to Cambridge is of great help. Follow Pauline ( official test writer).

Read carefully about the band descriptors . It will help you to practice in the right direction.

prevalence

these businesses in your first paragraph may refer to the small businesses, but you'd better to replace it with "local businesses" to eradicate the examiner's bias.

As you've chosen to partially agree with this phenomena. You'd better to state

"This essay will argue on both point as well and I suppose that the following statements will clarify about the argument"

I figured out you used "despite" in the third paragraph, what it comes after despite should be noun/noun phrase. To revise it, you may change it into :

"Although the shopping centers has been being opened in some underdevelop areas . . . ."

I'd suggest you not to include Vietnam or any factual truth to the writing task 2 essay since this essay is certainly examine your opinion and not including several fact/truth. Moreover, the band 9 score esssays aren't involving these kind of information.

Furthermore, the band 9 score essays write the precise position in which it helps them to organize the essay and regardless your lavish vocab, you have to be able to present your exact position thus the examiner will be fully understand which one is outweighing your essay though