Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 9

"Prevention is better than cure". Out of a country's health budget,


mariasultana 7 / 13  
Feb 24, 2014   #1
In many countries children are engaged in different kinds of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it a valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What is your opinion?

No doubt, paid work is important for everyone. But, for children it depends on the areas and types of the work. Some works are important and refine characters of the children. On the other hand, some works are proved to be hard for child's health. My idea is that it totally depends on the type of works.

In many under developed countries, where poverty is the big problem of people and they cannot afford even basics of life as food, medicine and education, such people are doing any kind of work for some money. These people are used to send their children for doing paid work and they do not consider which type of work it is. These children are doing work in different factories such as cement, acid, and soap factories and in these factories their owners misbehaved with them and order them to do such works that are not suitable for children and affect their health badly. For instance, in India many children are engaged in such labour work and now many organizations are against it. These organizations are running many movements to stop child labour.

On contrast, works such as volunteers and organizers are popular in schools, colleges as well as in universities. Now in most of the countries these works are promoted in universities and students take part in these activities to show their skills. These activities are important for every adult because such things improve the capabilities of children and polish their skills. In this way, they earn more as compared to other works to support their families, as well as, these works develop confidence and teach the students how to be a good member of society and introduce their country in world as a best country.

In conclusion, paid work must be appreciated but it must be good for children's health and mind. So, voluntary works must be promoted in all over the world. It is helpful for the children as well as their families and country.

dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Feb 24, 2014   #2
First, you should have included your essay prompt in the post so that we can have a better understanding about what it expects from you. Overall, I think you need lots of improvement with regard to essay structure.
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,195 459  
Feb 24, 2014   #3
Okey...

Here do I show a few you should work with:

But, for children it depends on the areas and types of the work.

I prefer to use "however" instead of "but" in the first of the sentence. "But" sometimes is used in the middle of the sentence.

Some works are important and refine characters of the children. On the other hand, some works are proved to be hard for child's health.

Follow this: "While/ Although some works are proved...., some are important and refine..." Placing all or part of the main sentence at the end of the sentence. This focuses on the reader's attention on the complexity, rather than the simplicity, in this way address the essay's topic.

paid work must be appreciated (a comma) but it must be good for children's health and mind

they earn more as compared to other works to support their families, as well as, these works develop confidence and teach the students how to be a good member of society and introduce their country in world as a best country.

If you could, you'd better split these sentences. Therefore, your readers area easy to follow the logical order.

Good luck for your exam :)

Thanks.
achen187 5 / 10 1  
Feb 24, 2014   #4
I think that what you are trying to convey in the essay makes perfect sense, however you need to do a better job of getting your points across in a structured form. I think you should include a real life example where prevention is better than a cure; this will make your argument stronger.
OP mariasultana 7 / 13  
Feb 24, 2014   #5
Thanks for your suggestions.. And may you tell me about this band score???
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,195 459  
Feb 25, 2014   #6
may you tell me about this band score???

I suggest you to read the IELTS Writing descriptors to estimate the score of your writing. There do you compare each point: Task Responses, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resources, and Grammar.
SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Feb 25, 2014   #7
hi this simple but, commonly forgotten. Task 2 wants you to write at least 250 words. Please kindly re-check yours and good luck for the exam.
Pahan 1 / 1,907 553  
Feb 25, 2014   #8
No doubt, paid work is important for everyone.

This is a too obvious idea. You should start your essay with a sentence that hooks reader's interest towards your writing. Therefore avoid opening your essay with too obvious uninteresting ideas.

In many under developed countries, where poverty is the big problem , of peopleand theypeople cannot afford even basics needs of life such as food, medicine and education, such people are doing any kind of work for some money

This is sentence is too long :( Therefore it does not deliver your idea clearly.
OP mariasultana 7 / 13  
Feb 26, 2014   #9
In conclusion, it is the duty of governments that they provide better health services as well as educate their public. So government should specified specific budget for both of these rather than transfer the health budget to other preventative measurements.

This is the remaining part of the above essay "Prevention is better than cure".


Home / Writing Feedback / "Prevention is better than cure". Out of a country's health budget,