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Task 2: The problem of child abuse. How respond to this problem?


Thangnguyen315 7 / 20 4  
Dec 23, 2019   #1

Child abuse is happening everywhere. What are the consequences and solutions it ?



Today, as one of the most conspicuous displays of the degradation of human morality , the global victimization of children has made people become replete with trepidation for its pernicious effects in society. This essay is to discuss the abominable outcomes of child abuse and to propose relevant measures to address this problem.

Following ferocious acts of violence towards children- susceptible victims- are calamitous consequences. Indubitably, these inhuman doings are culpable for serious psychological and mental effects on vulnerable kids, some of which can be deep anxiety, depression, or low self-esteem. Such sequelaes not only result in severe trauma for ill-fated victims but also create turbulence in emotion that can influence their well-being negatively in the future. For example, a kid who receives child-maltreatment is likely to be obsessed with images or sounds when they confronted malicious people, which definitely distracts him from his studies and then makes him get poor academic performance, even to be absent from school; the victim would also develop an extreme sense of security, thus make it difficult to maintain any relationship. In addition, parents of such children would tend to be distrustful of outsiders, even their relatives, when such people expose to their son or daughters. More seriously, this can render unwanted misunderstands among family members, possibly ruining the already relationship.

There are, however, feasible solutions to help battle against such immoral human acts. Firstly, parents should be cognizant of the importance of equipping their children with necessary skills for self-protection as well as teaching kids to instantaneously inform adults if they witness any kind of attacks or sexual molestation towards the youth. In this way, the criminals will be less likely to make their conspiracy work and children can be safer without parents. Secondly, it is imperative for the government to impose extremely harsh punishment such as death penalties to individuals who commit the crime; this will not only make the offenders to be afraid but also help hinder the growth of child abuse. Only by taking these actions in synchronization, this pressing issue can be halted.

In conclusion, child victimization has become more popular in today's society. This evil can have deleterious impacts on children's physical and mental health, as well as creating a growing rift in family relationship. In respond to this problem, both parents and the authorities must expend concerted efforts to limit its prevalence.

This is my ielts writing task 2! Hope you will give me feedbacks! I really appreciate it!
Thank you

XPROFF 3 / 15 13  
Dec 28, 2019   #2
@Thangnguyen315
hello,

I wish to give my feedback on your essay.

I think your essay has answered the question very well and has strong argument in terms of your stance on the topic.

Some of the things I hope would improve your writing.

Firstly, be cautious of the grammar rule when there is a bulk of sentence used. Always be sure that every sentence has a subject and complete thought.

Also choice of words can be effective or at times draws away the main intention of the essay. I suggest use formal words that can give your essay concise details of your argument.

Secondly, introduce every paragraph with a thesis statement and support your statement with facts, examples and illustration. Always develop your ideas well for every points you made. For example, in the second paragraph, "In addition, parents of such children would tend to be distrustful.... the whole ideas need to be expound with supporting statement and facts to give a well developed idea.

Furthermore, In the first line of third paragraph omit the word 'however' so that it gives a more demonstrative statement to your opening paragraph because you are not comparing any ideas and thoughts. Also in second paragraph replace the conjunction 'in addition ' in the sentence In addition, parents of such children would tend to be distrustful... use words such as; in contrast, on the other hands, contrary to etc..instead because it give a different perceptive from the latter statement.

Finally, organize you paragraph and ideas in a well cohesive and chronological manner. In this essay your ideas/points seems cluttered and are not easily followed in each body of discussion . Try and work on organizing your contents well.

Overall, you have a well written essay indeed.

I hope this feedback help you in your writing.
OP Thangnguyen315 7 / 20 4  
Dec 28, 2019   #3
Thank you, man
I really appreciate it!
Holt [Contributor] - / 7,902 2173  
Jan 15, 2020   #4
For a task 2 essay that has a limited time constraint, you should not be writing almost 400 words. Always practice using the actual time allowance for the test so that you can get a better idea of how well, or not, you will be able to use your time to draft, revise, and finalize your content. Remember, this is not a vocabulary test so you do not need to use complex words. Keep it simple and focus on the clarity of your presentation instead. You have focused on using complex words, which tells me that you did not practice with a timer and you were only focused on proving your English vocabulary instead of writing understandable essays. It is alright to use simple words for your essay content. When you over-complicate the presentation with "big" words, you are sacrificing the clarity and time allowance you are provided. Writing 300 words at the most will be sufficient. 275 words written will allow you enough time to edit the content.
karmalea 2 / 2 1  
Jan 15, 2020   #5
... made people become replete with ...

... towards children- susceptible victims- are ...
..., depression, orand low self-esteem. ... trauma for ill-fated victims but also ... emotion that which can negatively influence their future well-being.nfluence their ... the future. For example, a kidchild who is severely maltreated receives child-maltreatmentis likely to be obsessed with images or sounds when they confronted malicious people, which definitely distracts him from his studies and then makes him get poor academic performance, even to be absent from school;. The victim can would also develop ... to maintain relationships. In addition, ..., which . More seriously, this can render ... family members, possibly ruining the already relationship..

... less likely to make their conspiracy work succeed with ...
... in synchronization will this pressing ...

overall, well written. there were just some clauses,phrases and words that seemed a bit redundant and distracting. Your style of language is very nice you jest need to wok on being more concise and not over-emphasizing ideas.

Other than that I tried my best to correct and rephrase some words and sentences. Hope this helps!


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