Problem/Solution essay Causes of crime - social inequality and low-wages are provoking this

Hello, I'm practicing for the IELTS test. Thanks for your help.

Each year, the crime rate increases.
What are the causes of crime and what could be done to prevent this rise in criminal activity?

increase of the criminality today

In recent years population growth, social inequality and low-wages are provoking higher percentages of felony than before. This essay will first describe three main causes why crime figures increase every year. It will then explain one possible solutions to avoid this issue.

The first cause is the overcrowding. Many cities around the world are dealing with the population increase, this problem brings a lack of job opportunities. As a result, if the people do not find a job, many of them can committed robbery. Low salaries is another source of crime. In several developing countries the income is only 1 dollar per hour, due to this some individuals steal money or material possessions to others. The third fact of crime is social inequality. Around the world there are few groups of power that have the major percentage of wealth; hence, there are more individuals living in poverty. As a result, the poor people do not have the same opportunities and facilities, and many of them can fall in addictions such as drug or alcohol. Because of these factors many individuals become criminals. Albeit, this is not a excuse, the social inequality can produce thieves.

One possible solution for low the crime rate is the government regulation. Is responsibility of the government to closely monitor the companies and their proceeding to maintain fair salaries. In addition, the government needs to guarantee the same opportunities to all the citizens in order to maintain the social equality.

To sum up, the increase of the criminality is a complex issue. Therefore it is necessary the intervention of the government and the collaboration of all the society. Because many people cannot pay their basic needs, such as food or health; while others spend thousands of dollars in clothes, cars or unuseful things.

@SalZappa
Hello,

In Paragraph two you have included all three causes. I think this should be broken down into three separate paragraphs. When I first read it I thought the second point of salary was part of that of robbery.

Also, giving some examples may make your essay more practical e.g. You could say....I recently read in so so newline or paper of a robber who when caught blamed unemployment as the sole reason for his act of crime!

And finally I noticed some simple grammatical errors.
E.g. Where you wrote " in several developing countries - I think it should be Country not countries as per the sentence and

On the last line Albeit, this is not a excuse,

It should be writes as "albeit not an excuse"

Salma, in the summary paragraph / paragraph one, do not include any discussions or reasons that should be discussed later on in the paragraphs. The opening paragraph is meant solely for paraphrasing purposes. That means you should restate the topic for discussion and the instructions for the discussion in your own words. The reasons or causes, are to be discussed further on. The opening statement is just your outline. Nothing more.

The discussions you have presented are good. However, you cannot present 3 reasons in one paragraph. In order to write the essay properly, you should present a single topic per paragraph discussion. What you did here is wrong because you discussed 3 topics in a single paragraph and then proceeded to discuss other information in the other paragraphs. You are only allowed to present up to 3 discussion paragraphs in the essay. So the format of your essay is a bit off course. It had good intentions, but did not execute the presentation properly.

It is because of these major problems in your essay that I believe it cannot score higher than a 5. Again, the discussion is good, but the presentation needs to be corrected. Specially in the conclusion where you continue to discuss more information about the problem rather than just wrapping up the discussion in the expected manner.