WRITING IELTS TASK 1: The process of milk production

how the MILK is being processed

The diagram illustrates how to produce milk.
It is clear that there are five main stages in the process, beginning with cow grazing and ending with the final products in shelves of supermarket.

Looking at picture more details, in the initial of stages of the process, cows are fed on grass in grazing land. Fresh milk is collected by a milking machine twice a day before transporting to refrigeration storage. After that, tankers used for delivering refrigeneration mik to Dairy where milk - stable product and secondary products include cheese, cream, butter are produced. The next important step, milk will be pasteurized by high temperature and colled to kill harmful bacteria.

The process finished with packing in bottles and delivering final milk products to supermarket or shops where people could buy them.

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  Process_1.jpg
  

this is how I would correct(?) your writing.

Looking at the diagram more closely picture more details, you can see that in the initial of stages of ...
... before transporting them to the refrigeration storage. After that, tankers are used for delivering refrigeneration refrigerated milk...
The next important step In the next procedure, milk will be ...

Lastly,the process is finished with by storing the milk in bottles and delivering the final milk ...

I'm sorry if there are incorrect parts ^^

@alyssa2036
Thank you for spending time to give me feedbacks! I really appreciate it

@zigzagboy001
Hi. Seeing as you already received feedback that's quite technical, I hope to focus more on a general perception of your text to hopefully help you write better.

I have noticed that a lot of your concerns exist within the realm of not knowing or being unsure about the transition of your words. I would recommend trying to simplify your language and attempting to use more concrete transition words to assist you. Words such as therefore, hereafter, moreover and alike are still helpful for writing in the long-run.

You can omit unnecessary descriptions also to help you write with more precision. Remember that these words are not essential for your writing, considering that your text needs to be focused on writing with ease.