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The proportion of active Australian citizens in different age groups and sex. [IELTS]

Akairoi0213 1 / 1  
Aug 13, 2017   #1
The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.
Write at least 150 words.

Were Australians physical active in 2010?

The bar chart present the proportion of Australian in different sex and age group who are doing physical activity regularly in 2010.

Overall, the bar chart illustrate the female in Australia are more likely to do physical activity than the male, which the average proportion of male is 45% while the female is 50%.

In terms of male, the proportion of age between 15 and 24 are broke through 50% to 52.8%. It is the only age group of male that can higher than the female, also is the highest proportion compare with all male's age group. On the contrary, the age between 35 to 44 is the only group that less than 40% of male doing physical activity regularly, account 39.5%, also it is the lowest group between all male' age group.

In terms of female, the age between 45 to 54 account 53.3%, 0.3% and 0.8% slightly higher than the age between 55 to 64 and 35 to 44, respectively, to be the top between all female's age group. On the contrary, the age between 65 and over have the lowest proportion, account 47.1%.

In term of difference between male and female, there are two age group make a difference higher than 10%, which the others can not, which is age between 35 to 44 and 45 to 54. Only have a disparity of 0.4% make the group of 65 and over become the littlest difference between all age group.

I have a question :
Do i need to use all data or not ? (I think it will make my article much long and pointless if i use all data)

Please give me an advice for improve, Thank you.

LadyOfClockwork 30 / 94  
Aug 13, 2017   #2

Hi, I'd like to pick out some grammatical and vocabulary mistakes for you:

The bar chart presents the proportion ...
Overall, the bar chart illustrates ...
the age between 45 to 54 account for 53.3%, ...
... two age groups that make a ...
... become the littlest least difference ...
OP Akairoi0213 1 / 1  
Aug 13, 2017   #3
Thank for correct me.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,333 3357  
Aug 13, 2017   #4
Aka, to get your question out of the way, let me respond by telling you that you need to use all of the main information presented in the essay. Minor information, such as similar or comparative data between the sexes in terms of percentages, may also be presented in a summarized form if time permits.

Your opening statement was good but could have been better if it accurately represented the overview of information to be presented such as the genders, age groups, and measurement information (percentage). As it is, the summary overview is insufficient in presentation and does not accurately outline the upcoming discussion.

The discussion in and of itself is useful but inconsistent when it comes to paragraph requirements. Always write at least 3 sentences in order to gain higher consideration for the C&C section. Avoid run-on sentences in your future writing because that sort of grammatical error will needlessly lower your GRA score. Learn to present complete information in full sentences instead of using commas to separate your information. A full stop is better than a pause in any essay presentation as it allows the reader time to analyze and understand the given text.

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