The proportion of students, both males and females, who passed their skill exams in high school

The bar chart below shows the percentage of students who passed their high school competency exams, by subject and gender, during the period 2010-2011.

A breakdown of the proportion of students both males and females who passed their skill exams in high school, by seven different subjects, over a 2-year period is depicted in the bar chart. Overall, it can be seen that the percentage of girls students who passed computer science exam was the highest, while in geography recorded the smallest, and no one got percentage over sixty percent for all subjects.

To begin with, six of seven subjects is dominated by girls students. Foreign language experienced a close behind by both genders, females gained at 47.7%, while males appeared by 0.6% lower than females. Furthermore, computer science as the greatest showed at 56.3% for girls, while in geography witnessed the smallest by around two times lower.

On the other hand, chemistry had the biggest gap between females and males by 16.6% , while foreign language showed the smallest gap. Geography was the only one which boys had the biggest percentage than girls at 30.4% and 20.1% respectively. Moreover, mathematics existed at 49.2% for females, while for males recorded by fewer than one percent.

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  Question
  

Mardian, this essay is actually a well-written piece of work but unfortunately, the most important data is missing. Stating "over a 2-year period" is only used for substituting the year that you have mentioned in the very beginning of your essay. If you take a closer look, there is NO exact time signal that indicates the year. In IELTS public band descriptors, it is stated clearly in terms of Task Achievement that "there may be no data to support the description" is one of the criteria for band 5. Year/Time signal is an important data that must not be missing. Therefore, my suggestion is that you need to be more careful in the next practice. It was really unfortunate, I would give you band 6 or above for this writing if you give the "data" to support the descriptions.

Hope this helps :)

Hello mardian i will give some suggestions:
..., by seven different subjects, over a 2-year period isdepicted in the bar chart. ...................>> Inaccurate data :it is just a 1-year period

... that the percentage of girls students who passed........................>>>Girl students

Your task achievement presents a purpose that is generally clear, there may be inconsistencies in tone,
Lexical resources : attempts to use less common vocabulary
Grammatical range and accuracy: you have tried use a variety of complex sentences form.