IELTS task 2: Protecting architectural heritage

Thanks for taking the time to read this! If you pleased, show me every mistake you find =)) I'll be very grateful for any help you guys can give me with this :3

Topic: Most governments use public funds to try to protect their architectural heritage in some way.
Is this a good use of public money in your view?
Which kind of old buildings should be preserved and how should they be used?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

preserving architectural heritage

(1) In many countries in the world, public money is mostly used for preserving architectural heritage in different ways. (2) In my opinion, these funds are being spent effectively by this way. (3) Old buildings such as historical buildings should be protected and turned into wonderful places for learning and visiting so that we can gain appropriate benefits from them.

(4) Personally speaking, using public funds for architectural heritage preservation is accurate as the society can take numerous advantages from this. (5) First of all, these historical buildings, palaces, shrines,... are striking proofs for past lives and buildings. (6) For example, before cameras were invented, there is no way to show how a life of a king was during his age. (7) However, with his castle and exhibits, researchers can build up assumptions. (8) The second considerable benefit of preserving architectural heritage is for tourism. (9) In my country, every year, Hue welcomes thousands of visitors to its ancient capital, which contributes greatly to the province's income.

(10) Among distinct types of old buildings, I suggest preserving historical one as a studying and attraction spot. (11) This is because, along with tourism purpose, old houses and palaces surviving throughout time, witnessing the country's important events are huge material for both students and researchers. (12) Schools can use them for practical history lessons, which help children to learn more effectively.

(13) To sum up, spending public money for protecting architectural heritages is a brilliant choice of most governments in the world. (14) Besides, I think we should concern more about preserving historical buildings, turn them into visiting and learning areas in order to get the best out of them.

Tran, it is a good practice in this kind of essay to write in paragraphs only, and not both bullet points and paragraphs. Please do well to remove all the numbering in your current post. Your paraphrase of the prompt is proper except that the last sentence in the first paragraph should read as a thesis statement. That way, you can fully start discussing the points highlighted therein in details in the next paragraphs. It is also important to note that each of the questions asked in the prompt should be discussed in a separate paragraph and each paragraph should begin with a topic sentence. You have a lot of well thought out points but they are not neatly organised in the essay. Perhaps the numbering may have been the cause of the incoherence. I must commend your level of sentence construction, although you still need to work on your ability to use transition words to enhance coherence and cohesion in your write-up.

Hi Tran, I have read your article. Firstly, I think your introductory paragraph is good because you successfully paraphrased the statement weel. However, the article lacks some transition words to make the essay smoother.