money on the arts
Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and this money could be better spent elsewhere. To what extend do you agree with this view?
The importance of art is usually belittled in regards to its contribution to the growth of countries across the world. While I agree that in some countries where citizens face poverty or adversity in healthcare and education, the money should be reserved for these services, the countries with secured economic situation should, however, invest in the art projects and gain benefits from the policy.
It is more practical for less developed countries to invest in the servies that are most needed. Not all countries in the world can provide their citizens with enough basic necessities in life. Some of which are even suffering from wars and severe life conditions. Therefore, the governments should adopt a more pragmatic resource allocation scheme by giving out food, shelter and education opportunities to their people. By doing this, they can make sure their citizens at least survive and live somehow comfortable lives before they can reach other bigger goals in life. If the government overlook their real difficult situations and keep investing in art, this would leave the burden on the citizens' shoulders rather than help them.
However, some countries with more developed economy which can secure life of all their citizens should consider allocating its budget in arts. Arts in general can promote physical and mental well-beings of individuals and this can only be achieved after physiological needs are fulfilled, which means people are not starved and fully sheltered . A good piece of music or a vivid painting can usually uplift people's moods and tend to boost workers's productivity and serves as a means to unwind better than any other alternatives. Therefore, the money granted to art projects, would no doubt do wonders on citizens' overall well-being, which in turn benefits the society as a whole.
In conclusion, it depends on the stability and security of wealth in each nation that they should make investment in arts a priority.
(Linh, 317 words)
P.S I would highly appreciate comments on my writing. It seems like my second paragraph has not been well developed. Any suggestions on how to improve it will be sincerely welcomed.
You might have an additional idea for the third paragraph: Arts is not only aesthetically pleasing and play a pivotal role in our sentimental life but it also expresses the culture of a country. Moreover, human beings have a diversity of talents. Hereby, it is unfair for people who are innate in Át not to gain any support from the goverment. Had it not been for their songs or their paintings, the nation would not have been synonymous for having such talented geniuses.
You should give your opinion, I think it is agree or not. It will not only lengthen your essay but also be a strong suit in grammar and vocabulary. Have a shot at it, for example, Each has a point but i have the tendency to gravitate towards sth...
Your essay has a upside: very clear idea, but you need to enhance your diversity in using sentences structures. To make it clear, it is practicality of ... that; or If...,... and passive voice. Could you attempt to use more academic words? And remember, add more lexical resources. I know you paraphased well, but to make it more transparent, you should put more "Additionally, Consequently, Moreover,..."you name it, or "It is far from truthful to say that ...." or "In the grand scheme of this problem,..." It sounds quite academic but believe me, its familiar to them.
Consequently, Im not very sure if it can help you to improve as I dont have much experience in IELTS. I am just studying in a highschool in Viet Nam. Stay safe during this pandemic.
Some grammar errors you can fix:
1- Not all countries in the world can provide their citizens with enough basic necessities in life. Some of which are even suffering from wars and severe
life living conditions.
The phrase "life condition" is true but uncommon and rarely used. "Living conditions" refers to the circumstances of a person's life-shelter, food, clothing, safety, access to clean water, and such. I don't think "life conditions" is an idiomatic phrase. An alternative might be "conditions for life," which refers to circumstances needed for physical or biological life to exist-water, energy, a suitable environment, and such. If there is a distinction then:
- "living conditions" = conditions under which you live
- "life conditions" = conditions under which you are alive, though other phrases like 'conditions for life' are more common
2- Arts in general can promote physical and mental well-being
s of individuals and this can only be achieved after physiological needs are fulfilled, which means people are not starved and fully sheltered. Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,249 4652
This is a single opinion essay. You cannot use a comparative discussion format for this. You are to fully support a strong stance given the discussion topic. In order to support the statement, you first need to indicate how strongly you feel about the topic. You cannot simply agree or disagree. You need a sense of heavy emotion to complete the response. Additionally, you should not have started your actual discussion in the prompt paraphrase. You should have reserved it Had I written the prompt paraphrase for this essay, I would have said:
Most governments have a policy of supporting the arts. However, certain sectors of society do not support this move. They believe that the financial allowance for the arts should be re-allocated for more important projects. My personal observations regarding this discussion topic has led me to strongly disagree with the latter belief. I believe that the allowance for the arts should not be distributed to other projects.
Now, once you have made your support for a particular side clear, the examiner will expect you to justify your position using 2 valid positions in the reasoning paragraphs. One reason per paragraph. You must never do a comparative essay and have a divided point of view unless you are discussing a A/D essay topic. Anything other than that topic in particular, you must always present a solid support for only one side.
The reason behind this is simple, by focusing your discussion on only 1 stand to defend, you will have the full opportunity to score well in the coherence and cohesiveness section of the essay, which is the next highest scoring consideration in the grading rubic. When you divide the discussion points into pro and con, you do not create a cohesive and coherent presentation. It alters the instruction from the singular stance discussion to a divided stance presentation. That runs against the original instruction for the discussion as provided.
@bachache: I appreciate your idea about another upside of investment in art. As for the structures and language used in my writing, I think I would try to make it more varied and concise.Thanks for taking time to read and comment on my work.
@ phong3baotap: You enlighten me with my misuse of the phrase "life conditions" and " living conditions". Thanks a lot!
@ Holt: Thank you so much for reading my essay and giving advice on how to present my stance properly. I agree that a single opinion essay would help to increase the level of coherence and cohesion of the essay. I would take time to work on that. I highly appreciate your help!