Does the punishment required in order to educate a children?

Hy guys, I just posted my Task 2 English Writing Skill in order to take an Ielts test. Your positive and advice are needed. Sorry for a mistakes that i made, thank you.

Question :
It is important for children to learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age. Punishment is necessary to help them learn this distinction.

To what extend do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

What sort of punishment should parents and teachers be allowed to use to teach good behavior to children?

Answer :

only soft punishment is suitable for children

Some people think that through a punishment, children can realize what they must do; know whether is right and wrong. Unfortunately, it can harm and furthermore damage their mental or body. Those who disagree point out that in terms of educating the children we must give a good & moral approach rather that give a punishment. In the following paragraphs, I will discuss how to educate a children without treated a punishment and kind of punishment that appropriate for a children.

To help children understand whether is right and wrong as a parents we must pay attention and give a guidance through their activity. For example, children who watched television don't know which program is suitable for their age. We can decided a program that appropriate like cartoon or educational games supported with parental guidance to support their growth.

Another way we must do to educate an offspring instead of giving a punishment is through our habit. Children will differed and copied our habit as they saw it. For example, if we entering a room we always give a greeting for a whole family including the children. In the following moments, the children will practiced a same things and it can influence their behavior. Then they will realize which one is good and bad. Despite treating a punishment we got another choice to educate a children through a guidance, advice and providing a good example. It can accelerated their understand to do a right things.

Nevertheless, punishment allowed only for a children who argued and break their limit or make a multiple mistakes. Even the punishment allowed, doesn't mean that we can do a harsh punishment. In terms of educating a children, a soft punishment is recommended rather than harsh punishment. Soft punishment only focusing to treat their habit and give an understand through a strict way. For example, if an offspring spend a whole day on their gadget and forgetting their responsibility, we can put away a gadget on a week day and allowed it on a week end. Suported with advice and positive activity. And harsh punishment can damaged their mental and body and affected their growth.

To conclude with, in order to educate an offspring as a parent we can provide a whole attention and give a guidance through their activity. Punishment is allowed if they argued & make a mistake and only soft punishment is suitable for this age.

Riyan, this is a faulty discussion of the prompt. For starters, your paraphrased topic is not in line with the original prompt. You lack a personal opinion presentation and you did not clearly indicate which side yo will be supporting in the essay. In relation to that, this is not supposed to be written as a comparison essay. Which is what you wrote. The instruction of the prompt indicates that you are to pick one side that you agree with and base the whole essay discussion upon only 2 topics. The first topic will be the opinion you have regarding punishment based upon the provided information. The second topic, should be all about the kind of punishment that you believe children should be served for any wrong doing. One that will be appropriate enough to teach them a lesson. Then justify why you think this kind of punishment will work. As you can see, your essay does not follow this line of information presentation. It is actually performing a different task than the one assigned by the prompt. So this essay will not get a passing score in an actual test.

Did you write an outline before composing the whole paragraphs? I am concerned about the coherence and cohesion of your essay. Your paragraph development looks really scattered and not well-arranged. As suggested by Holt above, you have mistakenly chosen the wrong approach to write your essay. Needless to say that your grammatical range and accuracy also confuse the reader at this point. I suggest you to be really sure about the subject-verb agreement, singular-plural and any other aspects related to grammar before composing a single sentence. Try to practice step-by-step if you feel that it's really difficult to learn composing a whole essay at once. For instance, you can familiarize yourself with introduction and how to create an appropriate response without confusing the examiner. Let me show you some help for your introduction paragraph.

Some people think that through (...) appropriate for a children.

Punishing the children in the process of learning the difference between right and wrong at an early age is really essential for children because it can educate them in understanding this difference. However, I personally agree with the notion due to the high possibility for them to be a good person in the future. This essay will discuss how reducing their pocket money and giving additional obligatory tasks can teach a good behavior later on.

@Riyan Mudastsir
'know whether is right and wrong' is grammatically incorrect because there is no subject. I believe you tried to mention smth like 'what is right and what is wrong'. Besides, I would suggest caring the usage of articles: 'to educate a children', 'a right things'. Indefinite article a plural noun? And you have other grammar errors such as 'can decided'. And as someone who is also preparing for the exam, I would advise to avoid using 'must' too much because it sounds a bit assertive. Instead, try using 'should' and phrases like 'It would be better'... Hope it will help you.