I wish to review my writing and give me some comments. Thank you in advance.
With the development of social media, more and more youngsters are being allowed unsupervised access to the internet in order to meet and chat with friends which can lead to potentially dangerous situations. What solutions can you suggest to deal with this problem?
Social media has developed at a fast pace in the last 15 years and many social networks offer unsupervised access to them. Many teenagers use them to text their friends and play games. This becomes a problem that can lead to possible risk situations. In this essay, I will list some solutions which may mitigate the problem.
To begin with, restricting access to the internet at home and at school can secure the safety of the children. Firstly, many security software offers parenting features. These features allow children's folks to put limitations to enter certain websites such as Facebook, Instagram, and others. Secondly, nowadays many schools have IT experts who can be asked to prevent access to chatting sites as well as the social networks during computer classes and computers labs. In these ways, it can guarantee to reduce the potential hazards.
Furthermore, local communities should seek to increase their activities to involve youth to be pro-active outside their homes. Part of these activities is creating playing areas such as parks that suit youngsters ages. For example, building cycling tracks which encourage young people to spend their time learning to cycle and meet others. As a result, their social skills will increase and they will be away from the internet and its potential risks.
To conclude, I believe there are two ways to reduce the potential hazards. One is to put limitations on the internet with the use of safety software and with the help of computer experts. Another solution is including youngsters in society action list for developing.
Hello, rockprincess!
First and foremost, I believe this is a great start to a good, enthralling essay. I do, however, have a few comments.
Watch your grammar. Especially with certain prepositions, for example saying "reduce the potential hazards", "the" is not necessary and can clutter up a sentence. Similarly, with the first paragraph, the phrase "lead to possible risk situations" could be fixed with "risky situations."
Secondly, this essay does not feel as academic as it could be. Sometimes, the language feels slightly colloquial, but considering I do not know the manner in which the essay is to be stated exactly, that could be a non-issue.
My third and final point is to maybe to go into a little more detail with explaining the dangers and solutions to unsupervised social media. A good addition, in my opinion, is to possibly include an anecdotal or a real account of the dangers of unsupervised social media to create a stronger argument. Additionally, it could be helpful to find an example (like the cycling track) that happened in real life to further strengthen your argument.
Best of luck to you and your writing!
