IELTS Task 2 : Question type agree and disagree - solution for health problems and illness

Question : The prevention of health problems and illness is more important than treatment and medicine. Government funding should reflect this.
To what extent do you agree?
Answer:
Health is an essential part of human life. So human need to good take care of their health rather than running towards hospital and medical store after sickness. It is agreed that the government should play a solid role against this critical issue. This essay will discuss the bad impact of treatments and medicine and it will elaborate how government can play a role in health issues.

Treatment of each disease is really much more costly now a days, and lower family can not afford such big amount fees for their treatment. However, they cannot even afford to buy medicine. In 1965, students of the California University of science research on human health of poor family and the problem they are facing in the treatment of disease. They conclude that 75% poor child died in the last viral effect as their parents don't have enough money for their sickness. It is better for them to better take care of their children's health, preserve them from all aspects which can become the cause of their illness.

The side effects of several medicines can also be easily found in the human. It can be possible from over dosage, may be because the prescription is not well suited you. In London times, the Health article reported that 57% females gain extra weight because of suing multivitamin tablets. It is better to use natural resources for vitamins and proteins, rather relying on medicine.

The government should announce good amount of money for the health department. They should control things from which people are becoming ill. For instance, pollution is the biggest problem, from which a lot of disease like lung disease produces in people of the country. They should take steps to control this.

In conclusion, better to resist of themselves from things which causes illness. The government should have to play the important role, funds introduce by them should reflect their seriousness toward health of people.

Aisha, I notice that you still need a lot of work to do with your essay. If you want to reach band 6 or above, at least you should fulfill one of the essential requirements from IELTS Writing Task 2 band descriptors. Remember, clarity is the king. If you make most of your sentences clear enough to the reader, you will definitely obtain a good score for that. This is what grammatical range and accuracy in Writing band descriptors look like:

Band 6:
- makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication.

Now, for a breakdown of your grammatical issues, with corrections applied.

- SoThus , human needs to good take caretake a good care of their health (in academic writing, avoid using 'So, But, and, or, yet' in the beginning of a sentence, it sounds informal)

- This essay will discuss the bad impact of treatments and medicine and it will elaborate how government can play a role in health issues. (My suggestion, it is better you state your stance at the beginning, whether agree or disagree about the issue.)

- now a daysnowadays(no space needed)
- can notcannot(no space needed)
- such big amount fees(bills/money) for their treatment (fee is usually related to a payment / salary, improper collocation)
- In 1965 , students of the California University (it could become irrelevant example, too old)
- don't (avoid this contraction(s), it sounds informal)
- It can be possible from over dosage, may bemaybe because the prescription is not well suited you. (using 'maybe' makes you argument weak, avoid that)

There you are Aisha, I hope you find my contribution useful towards your future enhancement.

Keep Writing and good luck! :)

Thank you so very much :)
That's the reason in last attempt I scored just 4.5 bands in writing.
By keeping in mind your suggestions, I will post another essay.