IELTS task 2 - railway transport vs existing public transport

Kindly evaluate my essay in terms of Task response, lexical resource, grammatical range and coherence and cohesion and suggest an overall band for it if feasible.

proper investment for travel time reduction

In a number of countries, some people think it is necessary to spend large sums of money on constructing new railway lines for very fast trains between cities.Others believe the money should be spent on improving existing public transport. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

There is no doubt that a transport system has become an inevitable requirement of the modern world today. while some people believe that a major sum of budget should be spent on development of new railway tracks for high-speed trains, I tend to agree with the ones who are of the opinion that the money might be used instead on the existing public transport.

Those who advocate for development of new railway tracks for high-speed trains, argue that it will be a major improvement in reducing the travel time from one city to another. This is because these trains will be equipped with the latest technology in terms of speed and comfort, thus benefitting the local population by a much speedier and relaxed journey. For instance, bullet trains have been introduced in china, which have decreased the travel time from Beijing to shanghai to less than almost half of that in the past.

However, I believe the existing transport system is already more convenient and might just require some improvements to run as efficient as the train system. The reason for this is because public transport is cheaper and within the reach of the common people. For example, the local bus station I usually use to travel to my university is on a 5 minutes walk from my house. In contrast, people would have to travel long distances to reach railway stations and pay relatively more money for tickets.

In conclusion, despite the benefits of reduction in travel time , I strongly argue that the money might be better spent on the existing public transport, as it is within the reach of the common people with regards to both finances and convenience.

much more speedier and relaxed journey.
The reason for this is because that
common people -> public

Giving a specific band score would be difficult as assessing is quite different from being suggestive. However, I'll provide my feedback on your essay.

You can greatly reduce the overall word count of your essay by being more wary of your word choice. The more straightforward your essay is, the better it would be for your structure and content. If you can make your content concise, opt to do that. I also suggest looking into better ways to transition between sentences. Instead of mentioning, for example, traveling "from one city to another", you can simply say "inter-city travel" to create more structure and composition in your essay.

In particular, I want you to pay attention to your usage of punctuation and preposition. For instance, in your introductory paragraph's first sentence, it should have been "requirement in the modern world" instead of "requirement of the modern world".

There were instances as well wherein you had utilized redundant words. If you feel as though you can omit a word, choose to omit it - as I always tell people.

Let's look at your second to the last paragraph. I could revise the second to the last line as:
For example, the local bus stationI typically use for travel to my university is a 5-minute walk from my house.
Just be wary of your word usage, and you'll be all set to go.