IELTS Writing task 1 - The rate of women's literacy and population growth in selected countries

Good evening everyone!
Would you mind to give me some advice for my writing task 1? Below are the topic and my answer.

female literacy and population growth in the graph

The graph below show the rate of women's literacy and population growth to selected countries from 1998 to 2000. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The given bar chart illustrates the percentage of female literacy and population growth in different Asian countries during the period from 1998 to 2000.
As is shown by the graph, there was a correlation between the women's literacy and the birthrate throughout two years. Thailand and Columbia who experienced the largest proportion of educated women, accounted for 96% and the low level of the population growth, namely under 1.9%. By contrast, the highest birthrate is believed that it was the original root for the bottom level of female literacy in Yemen Arab Rep. and Afghanistan, approximately 4% and 8.5% respectively. In the same way, Mali, Sudan, Pakistan and Dominican Rep underwent the high level of birthrate as well as the low percentage of women who were educated, averaged about 16%.

Nevertheless, these above assumption might not be exact to the rest of nations. Particularly, despite of the lowest proportion of population growth made up 1.2%, Sri Lanka witnessed its percentage of educated women was lower than both Columbia and Thailand. It is also interesting to note that women in the countries which witnessed a plenty of either civil wars or terrorism such as Afghanistan, Mali, Sudan and Parkistan had less chance to go to school than the others.

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@Hanglmk
Welcome here. Here is my feedback on your writing. Please don't hesitate to approach once more if you have any other questions.

Like what I tell most people who write these forms of more technical analysis, it goes a long way if you are able to properly expound while ensuring that you have fully followed the standards set by writing grammatically correct texts. This would include, of course, the usage of preposition, which I feel is one angle of writing that you need to work on a bit more. For instance, the first sentence had quite a redundant use of this because it was a bit unclear still if this really should have been the direction of the write-up.

Aside from this, I think that the conclusion you made is exquisite. It was really based on a personal analysis, which is much preferred over a vague glossing over of the summation. Maintain this and just improve on the first parts of the writing - then, you should be able to be clearly heard in the write-up. Best of luck!