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IELTS Task 1 essay about regular physical activity of different age groups with both genders

Lemonade312 1 / 4 1  
Apr 15, 2022   #1

physical activity among Australians

I truly confused by the information shown, the main question is what kind of data should I compare, same age but different genders? or same genders but different age? As the graph shows only numbers in the year 2010, should I describe the similar trend between the two genders? Also after I finished the essay, I realise my overall paragraph seems too short with only a single sentence, but how to have a greater logic to link the datas from the graph in 20 minutes?

(Sorry, there were too many questions needed to be answered, because this is my first time someone would gave me feedbacks about my IELTS essay)(Thanks for your feedback)

The bar chart compares the percentages of average physical exercise level between Australian males and females aged from 15 to 65 or above, recorded in the year 2010.

It is clear that there were more females than males who does daily physical activities except the first group.

Females in the group aged 45 to 54 had the highest amount of physical exercises, with a proportion of 53.3%. By contrast, in the same age group, males does only a mere 43.1% of regular work-outs.

On the other hand, males who aged 15 to 24 provided the highest activity level of 52.8% than females. At the age of 35 to 45, there is a rising trend in both genders, also they stayed about the same percentage in the age 65 and over.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 12,856 4178  
Apr 15, 2022   #2
I'll forgo a review of your report at this point. Due to your obvious confusion and questions, it will be better to clarify things for you first.

what kind of data should I compare

There are no set formats for data comparison. Report upon the available information in the way you would be most comfortable doing so. Even during an actual test, should 2 or more students receive the same image, their reporting style /formats will vary due to different analysis approaches.

should I describe the similar trend between the two genders?

Yes. Report on the trends separately. One sentence, or 2 for each gender depending upon what tend you want to present ( high, Iow, or high AND low).

to link the datas from the graph in 20 minutes?

Do not write in compressed sentences. Always have a topic/anchor sentence at the start. Then follow-up with individual comparison data based on the graph. One idea per sentence. As long as you write at least 3 sentences, you will be sure to meet the minimum word requirement.

For this image, I would have done the comparison on a per gender basis to make it easier to develop the paragraphs. One for men and one for women. I would have done a joint gender based comparison only for the trending statement.

I hope I was able to clarify your questions. Then try writing a new task 1 essay using my advice. Let's see how you will do. feel free to ask new questions in the new thread.
OP Lemonade312 1 / 4 1  
Apr 19, 2022   #3

IELTS Task 1 essay Physical activity in Australia in both genders with different age groups

I think it is much better than the last time, but the time for organising still be a problem, as I have missed mentioning both genders have similar levels of physical activity in their oldest group, and the same trends in the middle. Next time I will try to write three sentences in the main paragraph section(paragraphs 3-4).

The bar chart illustrates how physical activity frequencies varies in ages between Austalian males and females in the year 2010.

It is clear that women did more physical exercises as their ages increase, whereas men did most of the physical activity in the youngest group. After men reached thier middle age, their physical activity kept rising as they grow older.

The exercise level for females saw a rising trend from their youngest group to their third oldest group, from 47.7% to 53.3% respectively. After a 0.3% drop in the group aged 55 to 64, females that did physical work-outs fall to the lowest level of 47.1% in the oldest group.

On the other hand, the youngest group of males provided the highest amount of physical exercises been done with about 53%. It then dramatically decrease to the lowest point at the group aged 35 to 44 by 39.5%, while continue to keep exercising and reached the second highest level of physical activity in the oldest group, with 46.7% to be precise.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 12,856 4178  
Apr 19, 2022   #4
Do not fool yourself. Since you committed the same errors as the last time, you cannot make any claims of improvement to your work /writing. You are lying to yourself if you believe that. You will not improve if you try to make yourself believe that there are positive changes to your presentation when you very well know there are none.

You knew that you committed the same mistakes as the last time since you mentioned it here. What prevented you from correcting these mistakes immediately? It should have been worth the effort since this is a practice test. The timer could have been reset for your do-over. By coming here knowing the same errors exist, you leave me with with nothing to review. It is senseless for me to repeat the same advice.

When you can spot mistakes and ommissions in the work of others, and can see the same in your work and knowingly fail to correct these problems then, there is a problem with you and your learning process. You can give advise, even if it is only rewriting the work of others, but cannot take or accept advice for your own improvement as evidenced by your current work. So why should other students take your advice and believe it to be better than that of the educational consultant?

Next time, make an effort to show true improvement by correcting the errors you spot yourself. That is what proofreading for a higher score is all about. Otherwise, I will believe that you just do not want to learn. When that happens, I am done with you.

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