Religion is Great (Satirical essay feedback)
What is religion? It is a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe. There are tons of religions, but to name a few major ones: Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, Judaism, and Hinduism.
Which one did you get on your throw of the dice? I was born a Christian and let me tell you the exciting advantages are of living a Christian life under the command of the Lord Jesus Christ.
When you are born there is the great ritual called the baptism. Basically it usually takes place in a church and a priest gives me a free bath, but you should only go when you are really dirty. After this takes place I am ready to be a Christian.
My favourite part of being a Christian is going to church. Every Sunday I have to wake up at 9 am to be there for 10, after a long night of heavy drinking at the club. Of course I have to be dressed appropriately, dress pants, shirt and bowtie.
Near the end of the mass, my favourite part, we offer peace to each other by shaking hands with the strangers beside us. After the readings from the letters of the whole bible, just before the Eucharist, baskets are passed around to pay for the Holy Bread we shall receive. Once this transaction is complete, the Holy Communion is distributed.
After the inadequate amount of only a whole hour, the mass finishes.
If you are the type of person that is a health addict, likes taking care of their well-being, then the Islamic religion is for you. The Islam faith is a very fascinating one. The Five Pillars of Islam are the core aspects of the Islamic religion. The fourth pillar, "Sawm", which means fasting, is an obligatory act during the month of Ramadan. Muslims cannot eat or drink from sunrise to sunset. If you get a little chunky during the year, don't worry about it, losing those extra pounds will be no sweat. Additionally you'll save that 50$ each month that you have to pay for your membership at Jenny Craig.
Muslims follow a strict diet. They are banned from eating pork, and drinking alcohol. You might think that it sucks not to be able to consume those but if you think about it, you will be so much healthier. Nowadays bovine spongiform encephalopathy, also known as "Mad Cow Disease", is increasing in the number of cases. But you don't have to worry about that as much because that's one less type of delicious meat you can't have. Like bacon, Spare Rib Roast, ham, sausages, pork chops, and steaks just to name a few. But it's not a big deal because you don't need those scrumptious meats anyway.
So what's that you say? You think that I mocking these different religions? You think I'm anti-religious? But of course not. Why would I have any reason to?
Let me tell you dear reader, that I have never been more serious. It teaches you the discipline you need and the great thing about it is that the decisions on how to live your life have already been made.
So don't tell me any further that I need to prove myself.
Does anyone have the audacity to say that religion isn't great?
You have a great start here on a satirical essay! You have some good lines (jokes) in your essay.
An important concept of satire is that the humorous point is often made by saying the opposite of what you really mean. For instance, when you say that the great thing about religion is that "the decisions on how to live your life have already been made" you are impliedly saying that religion keeps you from thinking for yourself. If that is the point you intend to make, then you have made your point, satirically. If, say, you wanted to make the opposite point -- that religion helps keep people from making bad decisions -- you might say something like, "Since I dropped religion and started thinking for myself, I have a lot more freedom; I was discussing that with my cell mate here at my new home just last night ..."
Another way to express satire is to connect two things that don't belong together, such as when you say you have to get to church in the morning "after a long night of heavy drinking at the club." This contrast demonstrates how much going to church helps -- religion isn't interfering at all with your partying.
A few technical notations about your writing:
"Basically it usually takes place in a church and a priest gives me a free bath, but you should only go when you are really dirty. After this takes place I am ready to be a Christian." -- Switching back and forth between second and first person (you/I) is confusing; stick with one.
In your paragraph about Mad Cow Disease, you are mixing pork with beef: bacon, spare ribs, ham, sausages and pork chops come from pigs (I haven't heard of pigs getting Mad Cow); rib roast is a cut of beef and steaks are generally, too, unless specified as pork steaks.
I don't really feel that the questions you ask at the end add to the satire. If your satirical writing does its job, you shouldn't need to draw attention to the fact that it's satire by asking your readers if they think you are mocking religion.
I hope these comments are helpful to you!