This kind of work need to enhance reader impression by taking space(s) among the paragraph. With this way, examiner, is helped a lot to identify your essay structure, I mean, introduction, the bodies and conclusion.
Then, let me try to align some particular parts
Add some specific information
When I was young, I was working in a library.
ex: When I was second grade...
By working, students can get many useful life skills
,By working, students can get soft skills such as confidence, responsibility and communication skill.
When they see that they can manageWhen they could handle their job responsibly, ...
When they see that they can manage, their self confident will improve and they will have the encourage to do many creative works instead of staying at home and playing computer games as many students do on these days
This what I would suggest is avoid judgemental idea.
We cannot judge majority students just stay at home and play games without any scientific data. So, I suggest to omit this part.
Despite some misspelling
| self confidence
| communication skills
, I advice you to pay more attention on your intro and conclusion. I am afraid those are depicting recently is not fully answer the prompt. You have to fulfil task responses, unless, you are not intend to get higher score.
Hopefully this helps :)