IELTS Writing 2 - Rich Countries aid to Poorer Countries

Rich Countries often give money to poorer countries, but it does not solve poverty.

Therefore, developed countries should give other types of help to the poor countries rather than financial aid.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is common that Rich Nations frequently help Poorer Nations by giving some money. Unfortunately, it does not necessarily eradicate the poverty, hence Rich Countries are mandatory to substitute their aid in order to maximize the aim of the given aid. In my perspective, I totally agree with this notion because by only giving money it only produces an abysmal result.

There is a major drawback if the developed countries only give the fresh money. That is because mostly the Government of the developing countries have not a decent system to manage the money, then the given money will not be totally used to overcome the health, education, and food supply problems. In addition, due to the lack of the financial system and transparency, it will tend to use as a big opportunity by the politicians and the policymakers to do corruption.

By altering the aid into another type, it is predicted to increase the quality of the people of poorer nations. For instance, in Indonesia, where the World Bank classified it to Lower-Middle Income country, most of developed countries help it by given student exchange or fully funded scholarship opportunities to young people and scholars. For example, since the 1980s the US has been frequently giving the opportunity to 100 high school students for a year student exchange in the US to give them horizons, insights, and spirits on what it feels to live in the richest country. The result was fantastic, some of the Indonesian ministries, scholars, lawyers, and doctors are former of the student exchange participants and they really help the community even the government to improve the policy-making systems. Hence, it is no wonder why Indonesia is now at the top 15 in the biggest Gross Domestic Product countries from 189 nations.

Richer nations, rich countries, and poorer nations are not proper nouns. These references should not be capitalized in your text. These errors will cause GRA penalties right from the start of your essay. That is not a good way to begin your base scoring consideration. At least you responded properly to the prompt question and you showed you understood the original prompt, doing your best to properly restate the original topic and reasons for the discussion. Though ESL in approach, the reader can understand what it is you are trying to say, which will have a positive effect in your GRA score, but not eliminate the penalties you will incur for the previous errors in writing presentation.

While you did a good job of discussing and defending your opinion, your second paragraph is too long. It should be shorter. No more than 5 sentences because the next paragraph should be the reverse paraphrase presentation. The concluding summary that helps to remind the reviewer of the topic, your opinion, and the reasons for your opinion in short form. This is an open-ended essay that will suffer in the final scoring due to the incomplete discussion presentation.

@Holt
Thank you very much. I just wondering if my conclusion is clear enough?
In your opinion, will I get at least 6.5 band in this essay?