Right vs wrong for children - IELTS Writing

Dear all, I would welcome any suggestion for my IELTS essay.

Questions:
Present a written argument or case to and educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the following topic:
It is Important for children to learn difference between right and wrong at an early age. Punishment is necessary to help them learn this distinction. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? What sort of punishment should parents and teachers be allowed to use to teach good behavour to children?

teaching how to distinguish good from bad

Answer:
Time after time, the public is surprised with a devastating issue on moral education. The society is faced with the TV program on criminality and wrong deeds. People tend to blame education and its elements such as teachers and other educational systems as the main causing factors. One of the proposed concepts, which has proliferated is the implementation of punishment in an educational system to teach young learners good and bad deeds. This essay rebates the use of punishment as an education tool from psychological and socio-cultural factors.

Punishment is defined as an activity, which gives sanction after the action of wrong-doing, or it is such an act of punishing. Mostly punishment is represented by beating and scolding. It has a negative psychological impact on children. First, it may create a big gap between teacher-and students relationship. Young children with instability emotion might feel depressed and rejected with their misbehaviour. They might assume that teachers and surroundings hate existence and attitude. They might tend to blame themselves and be a concern with the future action. Not to mention, they feel reluctant and hate themselves.

Second, the punishment would be terrified in some conditions, in which the students may see it as legal action. It could be worse if the action is largely done in a community. The act of giving unpleasant action to children more and more would form a generation who see punishment as a common action, which does not break the role. This may have another side in which society will not live in harmony.

Based on the reasons above, I would disagree with any implementation of punishment as a mean to educate young learners about good and bad deeds. I would say no to this notion and prefer another way to teach good and bad such as using a polite expression.

I would be happy if you give positive feedback for developing my writing skills. Thank you

@widyakusu
Argumentative essays are supposed to provide a detailed push and pull discussion as to why a particular thought is preferred over the other. While it is genuinely true that you would need to display this through explicitly mentioning it in the concluding remarks, you should also ensure that the tone of your essay complies with these requirements. Having said that, I have noticed that while your essay creatively expresses your thoughts, it lacks an informative and assertive tone. It is noticeable how you jump into conclusions without necessarily justifying the details. I would recommend that you try to be wary of this.

Let's revise a couple portions of your essay in accordance to these guidelines and a few technical issues.

In your first paragraph:
There are devastating issues on moral education that emerge every once in a while. Numerous programs that explicitly portray criminality and immorality flood the channels. This has caused the rise of blame on the educational system. There is a proliferated idea that the system should implement punishments as a means to teach students the difference between good and bad deeds. [...]

Regarding the concept of the first paragraph, I would recommend that you try to find a different status quo to discuss. If you wish to use the portrayal of criminality and immorality in media channels as a reason why this has to be discussed, you should try to reestablish a direct connection between the both. What I would suggest is that you open your essay through introducing the current state of the educational system and how it reinforces moral attitudes in its current structure and inner-workings. Then, you may proceed in discussing as to why it is essential that they change this. This is a more effective introductory approach.

Furthermore, I would also suggest that you try to simplify the sentences that you have.

For instance, in your second paragraph:
Punishment is an activity that gives sanction to an act to reinforce ideas. These punishments often are represented by beatings and scoldings. [...]

Try to always be consistent with your usage of words. Once you have done this, you will be able to have a more organic flow with your essay. Try to also strip down your sentences into the basics. For instance, notice how I had omitted mentioning that I am defining what punishment is and simply made mention of what the act means in this context. Both of them are synonymous methods of portraying the text; however, the former is more crowded with unnecessary texts. Learn this technique and implement throughout your essay.

In your third paragraph:
Secondly, punishments create terrifying environments wherein students may seek legal actions. If an action is widely accepted, this can be even more threatening. Giving out punishments would cause generations to perceive the act as a commonplace event therefore normalizing the behavior. [...]

I would recommend that you try to create more comprehensive, detailed content regarding the points in your essay. It is still unclear in the end why these cons outweigh the possible benefits of punishments. You may, for instance, discuss how these punishments influence pessimistic behavior that would affect students in the long-run.

Best of luck.

Dear @ Maria,

Thank you for your suggestions, I would try to do my revision. Thank you.