validate the essay and let me know the mistakes that are committed, i'm preparing for IELTS
topic: your school has enough funds to buy computers and books as well. Which one do u suggest and provide reasons supporting your suggestion.
my answer:
Change is inevitable and now the world is changing towards the technological advancement. Computer is one such change in advanced technology. My opinion is based on technology, financial and personal reasons.
Technologically, computers offer better features and services. Computers solve space issue and can be mobilized anywhere based on the requirements. More importantly, one copy can be served to many people so that it avoids rush among students. It provides greater availability in such a way that no time constraints to access any resource. Also, it can be accessed from anywhere with the latest virtual network concepts.
Financially, It lasts years together so that it avoids pest maintenance. When our school submerged in floods, we lost all our library books and our management was not a position to buy them again until funds were raised and accumulated. But his would not be the case with computers. We can take it to a safer place and bring back when needed that avoids repeated investment. The school or college need not to buy the more number of copies to server all the students, instead numerous copies can be created with one purchase.
Personally, computer is a better tool when connected to internet. We have whole world in front of us when we surf internet. Besides the knowledge, it provides entertainment with games and downloading movies articles and many more.
In a nutshell, computers are better tools than books when utilized properly.
i think u need to explain it in more better way how computer technology is more better than books...I feel you're repeating info about 1 copy serves a lot 2 times.
Computers solve space issue it looked kind of a vague statement to me and can be mobilized anywhere based on the requirements. More importantly, one copy can be served to many people so that it avoids rush among students.
The school or college need not to buy the more number of copies to server all the students, instead numerous copies can be created with one purchase.
Maybe u should explain little bit more the advantages of working or reading on computer rather than books.
Venkat, while your response to the essay prompt is correct, the way that you structured the introduction paragraph makes it appear that you are responding to the wrong prompt. The reason behind that is that your paragraph does not properly represent the essay prompt. It lacks your point of view. A better way to have addressed this prompt based upon your current paragraph is as follows:
Change is inevitable and now the world is changing towards the technological advancement. Computer is one such change in advanced technology. My opinion is that based on technology, financial and personal reasons, schools should invest their fund mostly in computers instead of books. My supporting reasons will be discussed in the succeeding paragraphs.
At this point, all of the reasons that you gave are logical and gives the proper supporting evidence for your stand. So the premise and supporting facts of your essay are sound. However, your essay falls apart again once it gets to the essay. The problem can be fixed by redirecting your conclusion in the same manner that I adjusted your introduction:
In a nutshell, I would like to repeat my belief that computers are better tools than books when utilized properly. When you think about it, computers pretty much provides more information that the books ever can to the students and also does a number of other functions that a book cannot do. Therefore, it would be best for the school to simply spend the money on purchasing computers, it offers more value for money and learning benefits for the students.
By wording your conclusion in this manner, you allow the essay to come full circle as a discussion.
I like with the way you provide your idea. However, based on the key success of IELTS, for writing test you had better write in 4 paragraphs. First is opening, second and third are discussing the topic, and the last is for conclusion.
