The school system should start teaching foreign language class at primary school.

Write about the following topic .
Some people believe that is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school .
Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages ?
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benefits and disadvantages of second language for kids

There is no doubt that learning other languages is important . While some people believe we should start teaching foreign language at primary school , others think that it's not appropriate age for that, and they suggest that this learning process should wait until secondary school. In this essay I will discuss both sides of this argument and explain way I support the former statement.

On the one hand , some people claim that studying foreign language at that young age will create a profound presser to student . This is because they are already learning not just their own language but also other essential materials , such as , math and science ,which is not easy to comprehend. If the school system burden them with learning another language, as a result , it might affect their learning ability to important subjects.

On the other hand, I would argue that learning languages at a young age would be more successful approach. Studies shows that children brain are more capable to learn languages as it will be faster and easier for them ,furthermore, starting in young age will increase their chance to successes by giving them time to learn and to practice. As a solution to others concerns, Educators can develop methods to make learning journey not just efficient but also more enjoyable for children.

In Conclusion , Although learning foreign language early in school might be challenging , but this is not insurmountable. In my opinion the benefits outweigh the disadvantages and school system should start teaching foreign language class at primary school.

this is my first essay im aiming for band 7 so please give me your advice

@Robaa
Try to stray away from using "I" in your writing because it weakens your arguments. For example, "In this essay I will discuss ..." could be This essay, will discuss both sides of the argument and explain why teaching children a new language at a young age is largely beneficial.

Roba, contrary from what the above poster said, you MUST use the pronoun "I" in these discussions because these essays are personal opinion based. The evidence of the personal opinion can be seen in the format of the discussion question which is : Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages ? The presentation of the question asks for an indirect personal opinion. Ownership of the essay has to come from the author in a first person point of view. You cannot simply say that "the essay will discuss" because the essay will not write itself. Who is writing? Whose point of view is being depicted in the writing? These are part of the TA considerations that you will fail if you use a general statement instead of a writer specific statement.

Having clarified that point, I have to tell you that you did not properly discuss the essay. The instruction for the discussion asks you to answer the question pose. Which means you have to present your point of view in a comparison format. You should not discuss both sides and then present your opinion. This is a personal opinion of both sides with the final paragraph giving your final verdict on the comparison. The format should be:

Par. 1 - Paraphrase
Par. 2 - POV 1
Par. 3. - POV 2
Par. 4 - Comparison of both points with a concluding decision based on your point of view
Par. 5. Summary Conclusion

Make sure your point of view is consistent throughout the essay. You used a general POV in paragraph 2 then suddenly presented a first person point of view in paragraph 3. Be weary of the way you format sentences. When you use a comma, the next word should still be in lower case instead of capital case. You made that mistake in your concluding presentation. Also, avoid extra long sentences in the conclusion. Use at least 3 sentences for stronger scoring consideration.

Based on the work that you did in this essay, you could get a high score of 4. You should improve over time if you apply the advice that you will be receiving from the users and contributor of this forum.