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Should schools invest in infrastructure and physical plant, or just keep the faculty satisfied?

loqsc852 1 / -  
Sep 7, 2017   #1
My name is Jeremy, and I am going to take a Toefl test next week. I wrote an independent essay, and the topic is "It is more important for universities to invest in infrastructure and physical plant than to invest in keeping the faculty satisfied."

toefl independent essay

Here is the content I wrote:
Investing is a way to get better. It can be tangible or intangible such as a kid who forms a good lifestyle can have a healthy body in the future. It is same that an organization deciding how to spend the money can be a crucial decision for the future. Despite many believe that good facilities gives the faculty a fine environment for learning and teaching, I think do what the students and the teachers needing are more important. The reasons are not only on motivating the faculty but also on not to wasting money.

First, because of instructive purposes, the professors sometimes need holding some activities for the students to make a better learning atmosphere; therefore, to make sure the thing that the professors are going to do can make impacts, it is necessary for investing in program.

For instance, my law professor took my whole class to the place where we might work in the future. Without the school's help, it is really hard to make every student have this opportunity to get the access. After this trip many of my classmates had different opinions about their future occupation. It shows that the fund really hit the right way.

In addition to encouraging the faculty by certain plan, using money efficiently is also a big issue. "opportunity cost" is a term used in economic. It illustrates that the cost of choosing one thing is losing the others things that could choose previously. For example, if the school build a lot of structures that the students are not interested in, it not only waste the money but also plenty benefits can be enjoyed, if the school made a right decision. Pre-valuing on the plan is necessary; otherwise, the consequences are serious.

In conclusion, if there is school can make fine plan for any invest, the faculty in the campus may all have a great feeling they are improving on many facets. This positive cycle can continually bring benefits not only for the students who are studying but also for those who will joining in this school; so, even though a small amount of money can be exploited if it is used on right places.

I know there are lots of grammar errors, and I do not correct it because I tried to submit in 30 min.
I want to whether the structure is OK or what I should notice. Thank for spending time on reading. Sincerely appreciate with it.

Holt [Contributor] - / 8,631 2521  
Sep 7, 2017   #2
@loqsc852 The discussion topic that you provided lacks the discussion instructions that come with these prompt statements. As such, your essay cannot be assessed for prompt responsiveness and your ability to properly deliver the requirements of English instructions. The topic statement doesn't tell me what to look for in terms of accuracy or mistakes in your essay. I wish you had posted the prompt requirement beforehand. As a contributor, I can only assist you with the review of your essay once. So even if you post the prompt now, I will be unable to further help you with any corrections that I may find necessary in your work.

What I can tell you, based upon a first and second reading of your essay is that there is no clear discussion point in it. What is the purpose of this essay? There is no clear prompt paraphrasing in the opening statement and no indication as to the type of discussion that you are required to present in the essay.

You have make sure to never present run on sentences, as you did in paragraph 2, and instead, present complete paragraphs based on simple and complex sentences instead. Do not discuss 2 reasons or thoughts in one sentence as that creates confusion for the reader. In paragraph 2, you could have added the current paragraph 3 to it and created a better developed discussion that would have shown some sort of understanding of a prompt instruction that, up to this point, is only known to you and the person who created the prompt. Remember provide the prompt next time so that I can have a better grasp of how to assess your essay.

The whole essay is confusing rather than informative. I am not sure what the actual discussion should be because there was no representation of it in the opening statement. I do not know if this discussion follows the discussion instruction either because you did not give us a copy of the original instructions. Even without those instructions however, this essay is not going to go anywhere near a passing score because of the problems I indicated.

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