IELTS- Most schools planning to replace sports classes with more academic sessions

QUESTION:
Most of the schools are planning to replace sports and exercise classes with more academic sessions. What is your opinion on this change? How is this change will affect children's life in your view?

ANSER:
Due to technology revolution new subjects are introduced in school curriculum every year. To cope up and cover all the subjects school not allowing for students for personal training classes and ask them to attend academic classes. It is a burden for young children to learn all the times in the school.

Moreover, School are working hard in compete with other schools for their academic results. To attract more students and to show its reputation, it forces students to study harder even in holidays also they are keeping special classes to cover all the subjects. They ask children to stay in class than going to play in personal training period and allocate staffs who is free will take classes for them.

In addition, one or two months before examination, personal training classes are changed into special examination and their results will be available on next day. According to their daily results they have study in extra classes if they receive lower marks in the evening.

Furthermore, for children it is mental torture to study of whole academic year and they are eager waiting for their annual holidays. Due to continuous study and not attending personal training classes makes children obese, stress and anxiety. Even some students are forced to suicide because of continuous study and mental torture by the school.

To conclude, according to me, children are allowed to play in their sports sessions which make them relax and concentrate more on their studies. They have to play and study both important in their mental and physical development. Continuous study makes children risks of depression. School should allow their children to participate in sports activity makes them more intelligent and confidence to face their academic examination and get excellent results.

My suggestion;
Due to rapid technological advancement, many new subjects are being introduced tot school curriculum every year.


In order to cope with ever expanding school curriculum, the schools attempt to organize their time tables with more emphasis on academic work while reducing the time allocated for other activities.


This hinders the opportunity for students to engage in other extracurricular activities that help them learn many valuable life skills while reducing their study pressures.


This is your first body para and the examiner expects you to give the first reason for your opinion here. Therefore "moreover" is not appropriate

Hi Duminda,
Thanks for your valuable suggestions. We all can get to know more sentence formation and vocabulary.

Hi Dev,
Apart from you points. I can see in many places your sentences are breaking and not clear enough to convey your ideas.

Eg:

They have to play and study both important in their mental and physical development.
According to their daily results they have study in extra classes if they receive lower marks in the evening.

Regards,
Arun

Thanks dumi, arun,
I forget to proofread this essay that is why some places it is incomplete.

They have to play and study both important in their mental and physical development. --> They have to play and study both are important for their mental and physical development.

I didn't form the below sentence properly
According to their daily results they have study in extra classes if they receive lower marks in the evening. --> According to their daily results they have study in the evening extra classes if they receive lower marks.