Question: Some people think that schools should select students according to their academic abilities, while others believe that it is better to have students with different abilities studying together.
Discuss both views and state your own opinion.
There arises a conflict of opinion towards the issue of whether students should be classified into different schools according to their academic performance or schools are better off being a melting pot of students with divergent academic levels. The essay will expatiate on both opinions and present my view.
On the one hand, that selecting students on the basis of their academic levels can substantially benefit students and teachers is strongly affirmed. Regarding the beneficial impacts on students, they are undoubtedly offered an ideal environment for their self-development, mental health improvement and specialization enhancement.
To be more specific, while those with excellent academic abilities can be motivated and inspired to constantly make progress in their study when surrounded with other brilliant scholars, students with poor academic performance do not have to cope with the peer pressure from so-called academic geniuses and correspondingly dedicate their spare time to developing their social skills, personal strengths and talents. In the meantime, teachers can also relish advantages of separate education by reducing the burden of taking care of students with great disparity in academic levels or assisting average students in catching up with their outstanding peers.
On the other hand, it is also beneficial to students when being blended together in the same class regardless of their scholastic achievements and potentials. Firstly, they can have the opportunity to become more well-rounded through exchanging their knowledge and understanding with one another. By means of illustration, those who are well-versed in a particular subject can impart knowledge to their classmates and aid teachers in tutoring them, hence, members of this typical inclusive class are able to expand their knowledge of all fields and subjects. Secondly, young learners in the same class can enjoy the prospects of exploring their interests in other areas, acquiring a diversity of skills and learning about various opinions and thoughts.
In conclusion, although each format has its own distinctive merits, I assume that schools should be composed of students with a wide range of abilities as this environment could offer students a chance to explore their passion and interests, and become more well-rounded.
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Though the essay showcases your ability to use advanced English words in your explanation, it is not the kind of essay that would get a passing mark. You have mistakenly focused on only scoring well in the LR section rather than trying to gain a proper score overall. You should be focused more on delivering the correct format response for the task so that you can get a passing score.
A clear writer's opinion is missing, causing the essay to get a failing preliminary TA score. The thesis statement section was instead repleced by a mere repetition of the writing instruction, which does not deliver a clear explanation of how the writer's opinion will be presented later in the essay.
Basically, the essay cannot receive a passing score in an actual set up due to over writing and the inability of the writer to follow the required writing format for the task.
You have written a good essay but you can make the following amendments
Your introduction is clear and provides a good overview of the issue. However, it could be improved by adding a sentence that outlines the main points you will cover in the body of the essay. This can provide readers with a roadmap for what to expect.
In the first body paragraph, you discuss the benefits of selecting students based on academic abilities. You make valid points about how this can create an environment where both high-achieving and struggling students can excel. However, it would be helpful to provide some evidence or examples to support your claims.
In the second body paragraph, you discuss the benefits of students with different abilities studying together. You provide good examples of how this can lead to knowledge exchange and well-rounded development. To strengthen your argument, you can also mention the benefits of diversity and inclusivity in educational settings, which can prepare students for a diverse world.
It's important to consider potential drawbacks or challenges of each approach. While your essay is focused on the positive aspects, acknowledging potential downsides would make your argument more balanced.
There are some amendments I can give to improve your writing:
(this is just my personal opinion)
- Some sentences are too complex, so you should divide into 2 sentences
- 'Melting pot' is an idiom and as far as I know, we should use idioms in academic writing because it is informal
- Your essay sometimes sounds unnatural, perhaps because it is wordy and you do not get some ideas across well (and clearly). Even some words are not accurate in some writing contexts. Therefore, you should look them up in OALD
- in the summary, it is a bit short. You should paraphrase more and add more words in the end for eg: 'due to the aforementioned reasons'