The shares of six age groups of both sexes who did exercises frequently in 2010 in Australia

Test 5 Cambridge Academic IELTS 12

The bar chart compares the shares of six age groups of both sexes who did exercises frequently in 2010 in Australia. Overall, men intended to do more regular activity than women when they were in twenties.

As can be seen from the bar chart, men occupied over a half, namely 52.8% of proportion of doing regular physical activity when they were in teenagers. Meanwhile, at this age, women did less physical exercises, with roughly 5% compared with the opposite sex. Over the lifetime, women intended to do exercises frequently than men, experienced a gradual increase to 53.3% when they were from 45 to 54 years old. However, at the age group from 55 years old to the end of lifetime, the proportion of doing physical activity for women witnessed a steady decline to 47.1% at the end of the period.

Australian males, in contrast, they did this kind of activity generally less than women did. The proportion stood at 47.7% whey they were in teenagers, then, it plummeted remarkably to 39.5% when they were in middle-ages. However, the trend of doing physical activity for men intended to rise back when they became older, namely comprising 46.7% at the age group of 65 and over, which was similar to the percentage for women at this age group.

Kelsie, the first mistake is, when you are using the word overall in a sentence you have to give the overall perspective, not a specific one. (see your intro paragraph).

I do not think to separate the comparisons between men and women in different paragraphs is a good idea. It seems like you are just describing them not comparing. What I meant is, you should have compared them in a single sentence like you compared for the teenage proportion of the sexes.

The last thing I noticed is, you should have made the third paragraph from here, "Over the lifetime, women intended to do exercises frequently than men, experienced............."

Kelsie, your summary overview is incomplete. This is always presented in at least a 3 sentence format. You only have 2 sentences that does not really depict an overview of the graph information and analysis instructions. So this is going to end up costing you points deductions because your quick summary does not fully inform the reader.

Aside from reviewing your summary overview, I cannot really delve deeper into a review of your analysis report because you did not include the bar graph in your upload. You have to include that in order to help us give you a more accurate review of your essay. By seeing the image we can tell what you did right, what you did wrong, and where you need to improve in your writing skills. Without it, an accurate measurement of your ability to pass the test cannot be made. Please make sure to upload the image with your next essay so that you can get the full benefit of being a member of this forum.