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IELTS TASK2:Shopping as a replacement of hobbies and other leisure activities.



gmad06 20 / 143  
Jul 12, 2013   #1
Hello forumers.Once again I am sharing my essay.Feedback and advice are always welcome.
I am fully aware that I have overused the word "shopping". I just don't have other means of replacing it.

TASK:Nowadays, many people go shopping in their free time. Shopping has replaced many other activities that people choose as their hobby. What are the reasons for this? Is this a positive or negative development?

In today's world, more and more people love to go shopping. They enjoyed buying things not only for themselves but also for others. Thus, it has been preferred over other types of leisure activities and hobbies. Impacts of this development will be taken into consideration.

The perception of people on shopping has greatly evolved. In earlier times, people buy things such as food and clothing for the purpose of preparing supplies to be consumed in the coming days. Nowadays, they have considered shopping as a means of rewarding themselves for working hard. Furthermore, others tried to work hard to earn money for the things they want to buy. Shoppers claim that they felt so relaxed and contented whenever they go around malls and buy things. These perspectives leave other forms of leisure activity less appealing.

Consumers play an important role in a nation's economic industry. The growth of a country's economy greatly depends on how the market flows. If one vital component such as a consumer is not participating, the cycle will be broken. Thus, a country's financial status is deemed to be in trouble. Therefore the more people spend their money, the more chances their nation's economy will grow.

On the other hand, there are also undesirable results brought about by this development. Firstly, spending money or walking around supermarket and malls involves very less physical and mental activities. Undoubtedly, choosing it over hobbies like biking and hiking would mean a person's negligence to his own health. Secondly, there is a great tendency that most shoppers become materialistic. Their preferences are more inclined to brand names and signature items regardless of price. Moreover, these kinds of shoppers usually overspend causing them to be in major debt problems.

In a holistic approach shopping brings benefits to a society. However, looking at the impacts it can do to an individual's character, prioritizing shopping over other forms of leisure activity is regarded as a negative development.

dumi 1 / 6793  
Jul 12, 2013   #2
In today's world, more and more people love to go shopping

.... love to do shopping / love shopping

They enjoyedenjoy buying things not only for themselves but also for others.

.... should be present tense. Also, in my view, this sentence does not add much value to your essay. In fact, people do window shopping just to enjoy the experience but not to buy stuff. Also, your prompt speaks about shopping becoming popular as a leisure activity and better talk about things that have more prominence to that fact. For example;

Nowadays, shopping has become a leisure activity for many people. Although there are other reasons too, rewarding themselves for their hard work seems to be the primary reason for many people to engage in this activity.

Take lots of help from the prompt!
yucky 6 / 8  
Jul 12, 2013   #3
In earlier times, people buy things such as food and clothing for the purpose of preparing supplies to be consumed in the coming days. => In earlier time, people shopped mostly for their every day needs.

Furthermore, others tried to work hard to earn money for the things they want to buy. => this sentence is irrelevant.
Firstly, spending money or walking around supermarket and malls involves very less ( few) physical and mental activities
Moreover, these kinds of shoppers usually overspend causing ( and cause )them ( themself) to be in major debt problems.
There are other words can be used in this kind of essay such as : outweigh, downside, draw back, weigh up the pros and cons, deem...

Hope this will help you
Pahan 1 / 1824  
Jul 12, 2013   #4
The perception of people on shopping has greatly evolved.changed. In earlier times, people buy things such as food and clothing for the purpose of preparing supplies to be consumed in the coming days.

... your idea is not properly expressed.
The way people perceived shopping in earlier days had taken a dramatic change over time. In previous eras, people used to shop mainly for food and clothing in view of having enough stocks for consumption during the dry seasons.

Nowadays, they have considered shopping as a means of rewarding themselves for working hard.

Nowadays, it is perceived as a relaxing experience and some even feel it as a fashion.
OP gmad06 20 / 143  
Jul 14, 2013   #5
Nowadays, shopping has become a leisure activity for many people. Although there are other reasons too, rewarding themselves for their hard work seems to be the primary reason for many people to engage in this activity.

Indeed this is better, I think a suitable structure for this essay would be to mention the reasons on the intro paragraph
itself and not in one of the body paragraphs.Thanks Dumi.

Nowadays, it is perceived as a relaxing experience and some even feel it as a fashion

Thanks Pahan. But this would be a different statement from what I am trying to convey.

Thanks everyone.
jkjeremy - / 380  
Jul 14, 2013   #6
I think a suitable structure for this essay would be to mention the reasons on the intro paragraph itself and not in one of the body paragraphs.

Listing points in an introduction is never a strategy that will separate your paper for the right reasons.

At least 75% of writers do this. Coincidentally (or not), at least 75% of test takers won't get a top-ten-percent score.

I've posted this elsewhere: If you can find me a single essay from a credible source (ie, NY Times, etc.) that lists in its introduction the "points to be covered," I will send you ten US dollars.
OP gmad06 20 / 143  
Jul 14, 2013   #7
hey John,
thanks for the advice. I am a bit confused though. So i guess I should stick with the original
structure afterall. It is evident that I am not that confident yet with my works.

What do you think of my hook sentence on th intro paragraph? Do you have any suggestions on it.
Did you find many irrelevant statements on my essay? I appreciate your feedback.

I've posted this elsewhere: If you can find me a single essay from a credible source (ie, NY Times, etc.) that lists in its introduction the "points to be covered," I will send you ten US dollars.

guess what,you have told this statement twice to the same forumer..and that forumer is me..I think it's really meant for me.

Cheers!


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