A simple profound accomplishment; the pride of winning a competition

Reaching my 9th grade, all my friends had bought smartphones except me.I was so disturbed by the way they shared images and videos making fun of me.I had to buy one too, much expensive and much cool.I knew my parents would not give the whole sum of money, so I needed to participate to a drawing competition on our school to win for the rest of the money.That was the only option I I was good at drawing, but not that good to participate to the competition.The competition's task was to draw a portrait of a real person photo.As far as I drew only manga and comics were in my drawing books.But the way I wanted to prove to my friends and my parents that I was able that this detail seemed inconsequential.

I started on easier photos to familiarize myself with drawing portraits.My first two photos were a disastrous failure much like caricatures.I was then so afraid to not make it.Drawing in breaks, in my free time and everything I could draw.All my friends had their own portrait drawn by me.They were so happy about it, anyway I was training.To continue familiarizing now shifting real photos to virtual ones in my head.Everyone that came to my head finished in my drawing book.I found myself liking more and more drawing.My drawings mattered to me and sometimes offered them as gifts to people I care about.I remember the gift for my brothers anniversary, his portrait which I drew with much consideration and that was so important to him.My drawings usually reflected much of my feelings and my thoughts.For a certain time I felt to be ready to participate.I participated to the competition finally.The drawing was not easy but the hard work paid and after 2 weeks they proclaimed the winners.I was the fifth and I did even receive the money I wanted.I was so happy and so honored by the way my friends and parents were congratulating me over and over.

I bought my smartphone.But the pride I got was not to buy the phone but to win the competition.This proved me:one that I can achieve my goals and finish what I started, two I discovered my talent and three the closest people to me honored me.

Aimee, are you writing this essay as a part of an English exercise or are you writing this as a part of a college application? I am asking because my advice to you regarding the writing will vary depending upon the audience for this paper. If it is only for your English grammar teacher, then you have done well enough and will only require proof reading and format adjustment because the content allowed you to express yourself in a simple English grammar kind of way. Which is expected of a student just learning to speak English.

However, if you are using this for a college application then, the essay needs more work in terms of story development, should be proof read more in order to avoid redundancies and inaccurate terms, and most of all, needs to be properly formatted so as not to stress the reviewer's eyes. Please tell me which of the two types of writing audience this paper is meant for so that I can properly assess your work and provide you with more relevant suggestions.

The only consistent suggestion that I can offer you, regardless of the essay type is the need for you to break the essay down into paragraphs in order to allow the reader to have an easier time in reading your work. Right now, the paper is too tight on the page and becomes difficult to read as the story progresses. You should separate the paragraphs via topic sentences, using the enter button to create a space between paragraphs and topics. The enter button should be pressed at the end of each sentence that is discussing a particular topic. A new topic requires a new paragraph. That is a standard format that should be followed regardless of the writing audience for the essay.