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Smoking effects and smoking ban; IELTS


jupiter 2 / 11 2  
Jan 2, 2013   #1
Hi, here is my essay for the Ielts task 2. Could you give me feedback for ideas, syntax, grammar and other comments? Thanks so much.

Smoking can cause serious illnesses and should be made illegal. To what extent do you agree?

In recent decades, there is a contention in many circles that whether smoking should be made illegal or not. It is obviously that there is no defense for the harmful effects of smoking on both smoker and those who are around them. However, there are still some reasons for accepting this activity with some limitations and warnings.

Many researches have done with the conclusions about the overwhelming adverse impacts to health. Smoking not only harms the smokers themselves but also those around them who are affecting by so-called passive smoking. It is not just one of the major risks of the heart attacks or strokes; smoking is also the main reason of lung and liver cancer which are diseases that people have not yet found out any solution for them. In addition, smoking shortens a human significantly.

In spite of these dangers, governments still have not put a complete ban on this kind of product. The efforts to make smoking be illegal just result in forming the so-called black markets where some people still sell and consume tobaccos illegally, and consequently increasing the level of associated crime.

Finally, the decision to ban smoking, although there are some advantages such as protecting people, especially non-smoking people from adverse effects of smoke or keeping all people in a healthy environment, would be more likely to have much negative effects and unfeasible. It would, therefore, be better for the governments to continue campaigns that educate people about the potential dangers of this action instead of banning them.

Jennyflower81 - / 690 96  
Jan 2, 2013   #2
I have some ideas to change you wording, to make it sound better. Good luck in school :)

It is obviously that there is no defense for the harmful effects of smoking on both smoker and those who are around them.
It is obvious that smoking has harmful effects on both the smoker and the people around him.

Many researches have done with the conclusions about the overwhelming adverse impacts to health.
Research has proven that there are any negative effects associated with smoking.

Smoking not only harms the smokers themselves but also those around them who are affecting by so-called passive smoking.
Not only do cigarettes harm smokers, they also cause second-hand smoke, and those around them are inhaling that.

It is not justonly one of the major risks of the heart attacks or strokes; smoking is also the main reason of lung and liver cancer, which are incurable diseases.that people have not yet found out any solution for them. In addition, smoking shortens the life of a human significantly.
joythblessy 86 / 272 15  
Jan 2, 2013   #3
Hai...

I personally feel that you didnt put enough points(ideas) to support smoking with limitations..

This id more inclined towards complete banning..

Some ideas in support

:tax benefits
:it provides lots of job opportunity..
:difficult for Govts to rehabeilitate those who are unemployed if it banned completely.
:it helps to relax and to some people it even helps to improve concentration.

Use the link which is given with similar discusi...

Read more..
Keep on writing
Tessy
OP jupiter 2 / 11 2  
Jan 3, 2013   #4
Hi Jennifer, Thanks so much for your help!

Hi Tessy,
If I put more ideas for the "limitation" point, I afraid that the essay will be too long for an IELTS writing task!? Is it necessary for this kind of essay when the main points is the smoking effects and whether it should be banned or not?

Thank you for ideas

Phuong Anh
OP jupiter 2 / 11 2  
Jan 3, 2013   #5
Hi Jennifer,
In the sentence: "Research has proven that there are any negative effects associated with smoking."
Shoud it be "there are many negative effects..."?

Regards,
Phuong Anh.
Jennyflower81 - / 690 96  
Jan 3, 2013   #6
Yes, Jupiter, I meant to write "many"
sorry, it was a typo... I've just ordered a new keyboard, lol
OP jupiter 2 / 11 2  
Jan 3, 2013   #7
It's ok, thanks so much. :)
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Jan 8, 2013   #8
It is obviously

It is obvious

smoker and those who are around them

the key words here are " active smokers " and "passive smokers."

It is obviously that there is no defense for the harmful effects of smoking on both smoker and those who are around them.

It is obvious that smoking is harmful to both active and passive smokers equally.

Some ideas in support
:tax benefits
:it provides lots of job opportunity..
:difficult for Govts to rehabeilitate those who are unemployed if it banned completely.
:it helps to relax and to some people it even helps to improve concentration.

These are very good points, and they would certainly help you improve your essay :)
OP jupiter 2 / 11 2  
Jan 12, 2013   #9
Thks Dumi :)
salmav 8 / 27 4  
Jan 12, 2013   #10
"solution for them" -> solution to sth :)
"smoking shortens a human significantly." -> smoking shortens lifespans/ longevity
"governments still have not put a complete ban on this kind of product" -> governments still have not passed/imposed a law on this kind of products. You mention things generally, so put it in plural :).


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