[IELTS TASK 2] Social life at work and outside work. Discuss

[R][i]Some people think a job not only provides income but also social life.Others think it is better to develop social life with people you do not work with. Discuss both views.

A career is an important element in a person's life as it can decide whether one is successful or happy. Some consider that when people work, they do not only care about income but also create a good relationship with their colleagues. Others argue that it is better to widen your circle of friends with someone else besides people whom they do not work with. In my opinion, befriending with people outside the workplace is necessary but it is also important to keep a friendly environment in there.

Making friends with colleagues is useful as it can help the working experience be a lot healthy and enjoyable. Firstly, the office is where people spend half of their day. Therefore, it would be very depressing and stressful when they do not talk or communicate with anyone in the working hour. Furthermore, only the people that they work with can understand profoundly what they have to go through so that together they can comfortably share or help one another. Networking in the workplace also help people climb higher in their career ladder, bring them many promotion opportunities.

On the other hand, friends outside the workplace can put people out of their thoughts on work and help create a variety of relationships from different careers. People do not live all their life working after all. If their job becomes overwhelmed, it is only relaxing when they hang out and talk about other topics besides work with their friends. Also, making friends with different people with different jobs is indeed helpful. For instance, a person who is an engineer when sick can seek instant help from his acquaintance who is a doctor.

In conclusion, friends who are either colleagues or not are great because they can be helpful in many situations related to work or personal life.

Here is what I think you should edit

Some think that when people work, they do not only consider income but also ...

... are either colleagues or otherwise are great because ...

Networking in the workplace also help people ...
I think the two sentences mean the same thing.

Hang, when you write the opening statement, you are instructed to only restate the topic for discussion and the discussion type within the paragraph. You are not allowed to present nor discuss your personal opinion in the essay. Therefore, your opening statement should have merely indicated that you would be discussing your personal opinion of the issue later on in the essay. That said, I did not see an accurately developed personal opinion in the essay. Are you sure you were being asked to present a personal opinion by the original prompt? I did not see such an instruction in the directions that you posted. If you write a personal opinion when it is not required, your essay will be scored down due to a lack of understanding of the essay instructions. So double check and make sure that you responded accurately based upon your copy of the instructions. Avoid any score mark downs as best as possible because you need to increase, not decrease your scores. Your discussions in the body paragraphs are solid and informative. It creates the opinion that you are familiar with the topic for discussion and that you are speaking from personal knowledge and perhaps, experience. The only problem I have is that you did not offer an expanded personal opinion discussion in the latter part of the essay. So I think there might be a misunderstanding regarding the prompt discussion instructions. Other than that, you did some pretty good work in discussing the provided topic.

@Holt

Thank you for your comment! I appreciate a lot