Hi Ilmy.
I am pleased to read your essay because you have understood about the systematic of the essay.
In this moment, I focus on contents of your essay. Meet my notes and deal with them.
the Internet is undoubtedly beneficial in which they can interact one
the Internet is undoubtedly beneficial BECAUSE they can
(Use proper words to describe what you mind)You forget to paraphrase the statement that Internet-based social networking sites have a detrimental mental. A closer look at your essay reveals you directly enter in the thesis statement, whereas it is one of edges in the topic.more insensitive in the reality. Obviously, Bong Seon Hwa, a young Korean mother,
This has a bad flow. You should finalize your sentence to make it smoother.MORE INSENSITIVE IN THE REALITY. THE EFFECT CAN BE OBVIOUSLY SEEN IN AN ACCIDENT IN KOREA WHERE BONG SEON HWA AS A YOUNG MOTHER.....
Make sure yourself that it is like in your mindHowever, a number of overseas students use video conference ...
HOWEVER, THE SOCIAL NETWORKING WEBSITES ARE HARNESSED BY A LARGE NUMBER OF STUDENTS TO MAKE A VIDEO CONFERENCE SO THAT THEY CAN KEEP IN TOUCH WITH THEIR FAMILIES EASILY.heir far relatives more easily, but it can cause considerable disruptions in their relationships
You should mention the disruptions what you meant and explained in the body paragraph although those are only describe by one-two words.OVERALL, IT IS A GOOD JOB