Please help me score and correct with my writing on IELTS Task 2. It would be greater if you can assess/mark it with IELTS Writing Criteria. My target is band 8.0 (if possible, please show me some kinds of tips to improve my score). Thank You :)
People are consuming more and more sugar-based drinks.
Why? What can be done to reduce sugary drink consumption?
Nowadays, soft drinks are consumed at an alarming rate. Some explanations of this new trend will be put forward before an analysis of its solutions are given.
To begin with, there are some causes associated with the upsurge of sugar-contained drinks. Firstly, most of these drinks are delicious and satisfy people's appetites, which provides a great sense of satisfaction when they drink them. Some researchers have proven that soft drinks which contain gas can help stimulate human's digestive system, enhance the feeling of craving for foods and allow the foods to be digested effectively. Therefore, some people stick with the habit of drinking sugary drinks while they are eating and food providers often add sugar drinks in their menu. For example, pizzas are usually provided with Coke for customers. Secondly, the proliferation of advertising has helped sugar-based drinks advertisements become more and more attractive to audiences. Advertisers create an appealing image in which these types of drinks are associated with an energetic lifestyle. Therefore, it encourages young viewers to purchase impulsively to keep up with their classmates and relatives. As a result, people are suffering from diabetes and obesity, which is mainly caused by sugar overconsumption.
In order to tackle the above-mentioned problems, some utmost solutions are suggested for governments and families. Firstly, governments can impose taxes on sugar-sweetened beverage. When the prices of these products go up, people might shift their habits from consuming sugary drinks towards a healthier one. Therefore, it can help curb the number of sugar-contained drinks purchased. Secondly, parents should pay attention to the children's diet by adding more fruits and vegetables to the families' meals. Besides, mothers can make more healthy snacks for children in order to help them adapt to a healthier eating habit.
In conclusion, the excessive consumption of sugar-based drinks is attributable to the effect of these drinks on people's appetite and the impact of soft drinks advertisements. Therefore, governments and families should cooperate to discourage people from purchasing these drinks before the situation become more serious.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,844 
4786 In order to get a better TA score, you need to meet some sentence representation requirements:
- Proper restatement of the original prompt
- Direct responses to every question posed
This is called outlining your discussion points for the examiner. This will help to show that you understood the original topic, the discussion instructions, and the response format requirements. In this case, your restatement was alright, but the outline of the discussion is vague. A vague response normally results in a presentation that does not offer a clear discussion per paragraph.
Now, the essay is not asking you to provide several reasons and solutions with regards to the sugary drinks problem. You should have used the 4 paragraph format for this discussion offering:
Par. 1: The prompt restatement and discussion topic presentations (reason-solution in the singular)
Par. 2: A thorough discussion of a single reason
Par. 3: A clear discussion of a solution in relation to the previously stated reason (for coherence and cohesive scoring purposes)
Par. 4: A summary of the preceding discussion (topic, reason, solution, closing statement)
You have a formatting problem in your 1st reasoning paragraph that left the presentation under developed. You used too many word fillers and not enough relevant explanations and expanded example discussion in the presentation. A more appropriate format would have been:
-Topic sentence
- Explanation
- Example
- Reason or explanation that relates the previous explanation of the topic to the example
There was no need to present a second reason as there was no plurality involved in the reasoning discussion. The paragraph would have been fully developed and explained if you had used the format above and also, omitted the discussion of the second reason as a part of that paragraph. Since you also offered under explained and unrelated solutions, you cannot expect to get a high TA score for your essay.
TA score 6. You could score better once you learn to develop connected reasons and acquire the ability to use transition sentences/phrases/words that will help you move from one paragraph topic to the next paragraph topic. Again, unless plural reasons and solutions are specified, use only one of each to help you fully cover all the required discussion points.
C&C would be 5. Like I said, you did not adequately develop your explanations, there was no use of transition statements from paragraph to paragraph, and the discussion topics you presented as per reason and solution requirements were not fully connected from one discussion to the next. Hence the lower score.
LR score is a 6. You have an adequate grasp of basic English vocabulary to help you explain yourself in the paragraphs. The words used sounded normal and not as if you were merely trying to impress the examiner. Which is the main reason for the better LR score. You sounded like you were just having a proper basic English conversation. Try to use some natural sounding advanced words to help increase the score next time. Or, whenever you are ready. Keep building on your vocabulary by watching more English programs and reading more electronic and print media in English. Yes, even English subtitles in movies count.
GRA, is another 6 score. Any grammar errors you have do not create a difficulty in understanding your explanations. However, that does not mean that you provided complete explanations. Do not confuse the GRA review with the TA review. You still lack properly developed paragraph discussions as per the TA scoring requirements. The GRA score just means that, without considering the TA requirements, you presented some well written sentences in terms of punctuation mark usage and simple to complex sentence development. Nothing more.
Final score, based on my scoring considerations could at the 6 mark. You have shown the potential to reach and 8. You just need to practice more and develop your discussion clarity based on the different Task 2 discussion types.
I am really thankful to your detailed constructive feedback, now it appears to be a clear view upon my problems in the writing. I will try my best to follow your suggestion.
English usually favors active voice. You could benefit from practicing to write in active language to improve clarity.
Next time use complex structure to gain good band , try to use passive voice not more than 3 sentences in one essay . Your essay is good but work on your introduction part . Thanks.
