This is my essay on topic
"Do you agree of disagree with the following statement?. Universities should give the same money to their students' sport activities as they give to their university libraries. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion".
Sport activities vs Libraries
Please give me feedbacks, thank in advance
Some people think that universities should give the same amount of money for their students' sport activities and university libraries. I do not agree with that point of view. In my opinion, university libraries should be received more money than student's sport activities because most of student spend their time in libraries for study than for sport activities. Hence, university libraries need money to make more comfortable space for students' study, buying new computers and increasing internet's speed and increasing number of books.
Universities libraries should be given more money in order to create better learning space for students. Most of student in universities choose studying in university libraries instead of studying at home. Students spend almost their hours in a day in libraries and they just participate sport activities in their free time. The more comfortable space we stay, the better results of our study we get. Thus, university libraries need a lot of money to make the space of library be better in order to serve students by the way buying new chairs, new tables and improve the air conditioner system.
Universities libraries need a lot of money for buying new powerful computers and installing a high-speed internet connection. Since most of students spend most of their time in university libraries, so they may use computers and internet of university libraries. Libraries need more computers for students that do not have a personal computer. In addition, a high-speed internet connection is very useful when there are many users at the same time. Buying new computers and installing high-speed internet may be expensive so university libraries should be given more money than students' sport activities.
Although, most of documents are in digital form, books also play an important role to many people. The university need money to buy books. It is not always true that we can find any documents we need on the internet. In many cases, great document just can be found on books, especially document of specific subjects. The library's bookstore needs to be updated regularly. New books are published continuously and some of them may be very expensive. Thus, universities should give university libraries more money to expand library bookstore.
It is certainly that students spend more time in university libraries than for sports activities. University libraries has a lot of task to serve student well such as making a good learning space, buying new computer and installing high-speed internet connection and buying books. Inclusion, I strongly disagree with the argument that students' sport activities and university libraries should be given the same of money.@cauchysang
Hello there!
Welcome to the forum. Let me try my best to help you in your essay.
I think that your essay, from the get-go, is quite well-written. Although I do think that you have the necessary substantiation, the flow of the essay can be improved. In addition, you can also work on the structure that you have built for your content. What I would recommend is attempting to merge altogether thoughts that are quite similar. After accomplishing this, you'll be able to focus more on creating depth rather than stretching out your substantiation without a particular direction or focus in mind.
Be cautious of the forms of the words that you use. I've noticed that there were portions that had to be revised simply because you were using the wrong forms. Once you have resolved this, you'll be able to create a more academically appropriate essay.
Looking at your first paragraph, for instance. We can implement the following revisions:
... of money for their students' ... libraries for libraries and fitness centers. I do not agree with that point of view this. ... libraries should be received more money than student's sports activities because most of students spend their dedicate more time in libraries for study than for sport activities. Hence, university libraries need money to make more ... of books. ensure comfort for students with new technology and an increase in the number of books.
You can notice a similar observation in the second to the last paragraph of your essay.
Consider these lines:
New books ... and some ... expensive , making them more expensive.
Structure is very important in academic writing.
Bear all of these comments in mind. Best of luck in your writing!
