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Should schools allocate the same amount of money to their sport activities as to their libraries?

Ann Ngo 3 / 5 1  
Nov 19, 2017   #1

funds distribution in universities

Schooling education always attaches the importance of academic knowledge as the top priority, this explains why they spend a huge part of their budget on libraries which are the symbol of accumulating know-how. However, physical subjects or sports facilities function as an effective facilitator to improve students' health, which in the long terms lead to positive impacts on their studying process. That's why among the countless fields universities have to invest in, universities should allot an equal amount of money to their both libraries and sport activities.

The lack of physical activities at universities or schools in Vietnam nowadays is a ubiquitous issue, which not only affects badly students' health, but also makes them disregard the importance of sport activities.In fact, Vietnamese students usually favour natural science subjects, such as: Math, Physics, Chemistry, rather than physical education, for they are often taught the success is owed to the study of academic knowledge. In a larger extent, it's a problem of the whole education system when just focusing too much on the results, scores, but forgetting to develop their student comprehensively. In a smaller scale, in very our family, parents always feel proud of children being good at natural science subjects, but unsatistied with those who enthuse the sport activities, which incidentally form an irreverent attitude of children towards sport.

That's why in a society that just a few people understand the value of sport activities, the role of universities are played more and more crucially than ever in the encouragement of the sport spirit among the youngsters. Instead of spending an enormous amount of money on building a gorgeous library, universities should pay more attention to the quality of books, ensuring students can access the variety of resources. Besides, constructing facilities assisting sport should not be ignored, but on the contrary, must be creative, ergonomic to encourage the participation of students in the activities more often. In fact, many universities with modern playgrounds still experience a laziness of students in partaking in sport activities; therefore, policies to nurture their love for sport need to be created. For example, universities should leave small space to found a sport library which educates student all the knowledge and advantages of sport or organize Sport Days with attractive prizes to inspire students to participate in. Besides, teachers should emphasize frequently the benefit of staying healthy to studying which results from the regularly physical exercises in order to better their understanding of the extra activities.

To conclude, The allocation of money to physical or academic education is of the most important tasks any universities must concentrate equally to have the comprehensive graduates. Vietnamese education system in particular should create solutions to help students combine actively their studying and other sport activities. In general, I strongly agree with the idea of equalizing the necessity between the study of professional knowledge and joining in physical activities.
Tuan Anh 16 1 / 5  
Nov 19, 2017   #2
In my opinion,
the role of universities are played ... ----> Universities play a more crucial role than...
emphasize frequently---> frequently emphasize
results from---> benefits from...

Hope you will do your best !
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,531 3447  
Nov 19, 2017   #3
Ann, are you writing this essay for a TOEFL or IELTS test? You have to always tell us which test you are taking because the requirements for each type of test is different, although they share the same prompts. In this instance, I will assume that you are taking the IELTS test as that is the most current test that has been using this prompt lately. My reviews will then be based on the requirements for that test.

Your opening paraphrase begins an immediate discussion of the prompt provided. That is a prompt deviation because the opening paragraph is normally used to represent your ability to repeat a given statement in the English language. The assumption given is that the person reading the essay has no idea what the original prompt is about so you will have to explain it, in your own way to the reader. If I am not mistaken, the original prompt is:

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Universities should give the same amount of money to their students' sport activities as they give to their university libraries.

Therefore, the proper repetition, in an original form for the above statement is:

Libraries tend to get a larger share of the university budget allocation. Some people believe that sports activities should get an equal share of this budget within the university expenses. I agree with this statement for several reasons.

The idea behind the first paragraph is to have the reader assume that you are properly translating the prompt into another version and that your version is reliable. The thing is, you are not selling your prompt to a blind reader. The examiner has a copy of the original prompt and will immediately be able to tell if you are properly accomplishing the task or not. That is why the paraphrasing of the original prompt is of the utmost importance.

In your essay, you saved you intention to agree with the balanced budget idea for the concluding paragraph. Your opinion is never placed at the concluding paragraph. That is always placed at the end of the opening paraphrase as a thesis statement for the discussion. Doing so means that you have not closed the essay but rather, continued the discussion, which is unacceptable in a properly formatted conclusion. The conclusion should only sum up the discussion points and reiterate the opinion provided earlier in the essay.

The body of your essay does a good job at discussing the prompt topic. The main problems that your essay has are at the beginning and end. So focus on improving the problem points. As per your English grammar, it is intermediate at best and should be able to help you get a decent LR and GRA score.
OP Ann Ngo 3 / 5 1  
Nov 19, 2017   #4
I thank you so much for your constructive comment. This is an IELTS essay, and due to the limitation in the number of words in the topic sentence, I couldn't give the full task requirement. I will learn from this experience and write it right above my essay. Once again, I really appreciate your contribution, thank you very much!!!!

@Tuan Anh 16
Hi Tuan ANh, thanks for your comment! I will see your essay!

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