Task 2 ielts - sports and exercise classes and academic subjects

I am practising on ielt and i got this prompt:
The prompt says: In many countries, sports and exercise classes are replaced with the academic subjects. Discuss the effect of this trend

sports and exercises train character and life skills

The past few years have witnessed a dramatic increase in proportion of subjects. In many countries ,Some people think that students should extend their understanding beyond the boundaries of sports and exercise classes which are replaced with academic subjects .Based on my experiences and observation, as far as I concerned that this thought is not completely justifiable.

Firstly, sports and exercise classes are the good method to train character and life skills. Needless to say, sports have taught us how important cooperation is. For example, when ones play football, not only are ones talent, but also ones need how to combine with anyone else, because the more competitive ones are, the more lower score ones get. Ones need cooperation to build plans and formation. If someone on the team does not associate with each other, that team will lose. Not only do sports need it, but also one's life, one'swork and community even need it to exist. Moreover, sports and exercise classes built good health and flexibility. Nowadays, when advanced technology which are encouraging a lot of benefits have been invented , so ones are too lazy to do exercise .Consequently , Ones have to suffer from so many diseases such as diaries , cancers , obesity , ... we need to do exercise to prevent those things from our health.

Although, sports and exercise classes are really beneficial and healthy, we should not spend all our time devoting for them. Ones have to learn academics subjects such as science to solve unresolved problems. For example, if ones want to know where diseases come from or how to find the solutions to whatever drawbacks, ones need to have knowledge from academic subjects ones have learnt. By using those knowledge, ones find out what we ones have to do.

To conclude, we have to separate our time for muscular class and academic subjects logically. Instead of spending all time studying, and one should spend a little time to exercise and the opposite

Hi! I think the base of your text is really good, but maybe you need to explain a little further your arguments. For example, when you say life skills, you could explain what is the meaning behind that. I know you mention it later in a sentence, but maybe try to give examples.

Nowadays, when advanced technology (...), so ones are too lazy to do exercise.
In this sentence, I understand what you're trying to say, but I think you could rewrite it to make it a little bit clearer. Try to be more precise when you write lot of benefits.

... suffer from so many diseases such as diaries , cancers ...
I think you meant diarrhea;)

In your last paragraph, you could try to develop more about why we need to find a balance between having a healthy/active lifestyle and one that's only focused on school, because that's what you seem to defend. But in your last paragraph, you seem to say that we shouldn't devote all of our time doing sports. Only from what I'm reading of the prompt, they only suggest not to suppress all phys ed classes, not to replace all academic classes by sports one. I don't know if what I'm saying makes sense, but to me, your defending a point that was never in the prompt.

Overall, I think you did a really good job, but just make some changes and it'll be a great essay!

@maitouyen1
Hi maitouyen,

Please be precise on how you want to point a singular item or noun, I can see the usage of "One's", "Ones" with more lively alternative like a person or a individual.

This is going to leave a bad remark on your writing skills.

Thanks,
Ashwin

To, the essay needs to have a better presentation on your part. You have 2 possible topics for discussion squished into a single paragraph when the expectation of the reader, would have been for you to separate the topics in order to create a clearer and more cohesive / coherent discussion of the essay. There should have been one paragraph for the lesson about sportsmanship and cooperation and then another for the health issue, specifically obesity.

By the way, do not use special characters such as ellipses in your writing. This is a formal, academic essay so the sentences need to be free of clutter and filler punctuation marks. You also need to double check your capitalization, you have the word "Consequently" in capital, then a comma, then another capital letter. However, the capital letter does not represent a noun therefore, it should have been written totally in lower case letters.

I would score this essay no higher than a 4 or 5 overall.