Should sports and social activities be supported at colleges and universities? - TOEFL

The priority of some subjects in schools curriculum

The question:
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
At universities and colleges, sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libraries and should receive equal financial support.

My answer:
Personally, I agree with this statement. Since being in school is not always about late night studying. Getting along with your peers, and cultivating interests are also significant in our lives. Hence, having the same financial support is crucial. There are several reasons to support my thought.

First, mastering in all kind of sport can boost our mental and physical health. For example, I was on the swimming team in my university. Several years ago, there was a serious epidemic in our country. Almost all of my classmates suffered from it. However, only my team member and I didn't fall victim to the disease. It is because exercising can not only be a hobby, but also a remedy to all the health issues. What's more, it saved the money to see the doctor. It was a decent investment.



Secondly, through these social activities and sports events, we can meet so many intriguing people. There is an old adage in Chinese, that is, you can learn so much by only walking with three different people. You can bond with people who share the same interests of you, and learn from their admiring features. It is something that can't be taught in class! Also, without saying, It is always nice to have someone by your side when needed.



Furthermore, taking part in team sports or social activities is a great way to learn cooperation. Being cooperative is a great quality in the workplace. If we study all day, but never experience the team work, then what's so special spending time in school with other people? In other words, it is essential to spend money on these activities to encourage students to be a team players in the future.

In conclusion, we should value sports, social activities and academic life the same in universities. Because they are good for our health, and beneficial approaches to meet people; last but not least, marvelous opportunity for students to learn about team work. Therefore, we should agree that having the same financial support is a must.

@lelett
Try to avoid repetitive language when you are writing. When you find yourself having excessive sentences, always read over everything and omit as much unnecessary text as you can. This is crucial if you are writing within the means of word counts because you need to be able to nurture your essay's meaning more when you have substantial sentences.

Watch out also for the forms of the verbs/words that you are using. Always make sure that you are consistent with the tenses that you use. If you find yourself inconsistent, try to be cautious next time you are writing.

In addition to these, I also suggest looking over the structure of your sentences. The way that you write can often appear to be dragging rather than explanatory. You should always opt for simpler structures to ensure that the information you want to deliver does not get taken out of context.

Let's revise a few portions of your essay in relation to this.

I agree that sports and social activities should receive equal financial support. Self-development is not just cultivated through studying; socialization and external interests are taken into account. There are several reasons to this.

[...]

Notice how I had used more academically correct terms (self-development instead of saying that they are significant parts of our lives, socialization instead of getting along with peers, etc.) to create more depth and dynamics in writing. Try to implement this technique throughout your essay.

Best of luck!