Essay about tuition-free university
I hope to receive feedback on my writing. Thank you very much.
Some people think that everyone has the right to have access to university education, and that government should make it free for all students no matter what financial background they have. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Many argue that state and local authorities should offer tertiary education to all students with no charge, regardless of their financial conditions. While I accept that it would bring about some benefits, I believe that the government should consider financial support to the right people, not for all.
On the one hand, there are several reasons why universities should be easier to attend without tuition fees. Firstly, although some students have high academic achievements in high schools, they could not enter universities due to prohibitively expensive costs. Monetary matters become obstacles on education paths and future career paths of these students. Secondly, attending universities without fees would encourage people to pursue higher education, and get high qualifications. As a result, there would be more quality labors with professional knowledge and skills gained from courses in colleges.
On the other hand, I suppose that only students getting high achievements have opportunities to receive fee concession. Universities demand a huge budget to operate smoothly. Therefore, if it is free for all students to attend classes, there will be a heavy financial burden on the government to provide enough money to every university. Furthermore, offering scholarships or fee exemption to students gaining good marks is a good way to motivate other ones to attempt to improve their performance. For instance, those who regularly get average results can spend more time doing research and reading books to become top students to grant scholarships.
In conclusion, although tuition-free universities do have some benefits, I believe that financial support should be granted only for those who have top academic performances.
I think that in terms of content and structure, your essay is quite topnotch. Most of my recommendations/suggestions are made for you to optimize the space that you have for your essay.
Firstly, I think that you should try to evade or minimize your usage of words that do not contribute to the essay. What I mean by this are filler words (usually adjectives) that do not substantiate the content. While oftentimes adjectives are acceptable, when you have topics like this that do not require a descriptive answer, you can opt to eliminate them to avoid being too lengthy. This is especially useful if you're working with test essays (IELTS) because you are working with a word count. Try to create sentences that are more concise to help you in this manner.
In your second paragraph, for example, I can revise your second to third paragraph as:
Firstly, although there are a few academic achievers in high school, they can't get into universities because of the expenses. Monetary matters are obstacles to education and career paths of students.
Notice how instead of mentioning students and high schools separately, I tried to incorporate and condense it more in that sentence. I've also merged together education path and career path because they are under the same platform here. There is also no need for you to mention that the career is in the future as the thesis of the paragraph already mentioned that it is for high school.
Moreover, I would also suggest that you try to use more appropriate structures when you're constructing your sentences. For instance, if we take a look at your third paragraph, we can noticeably see that you were trying to utilize transition words in almost every sentence. While these words are useful, they sometimes clutter your essay and hinder a smooth, organic transition between your sentences. I would recommend removing the therefore in front of your third sentence and instead using a semi-colon. Using forms of transition such as this can help build more dynamics in your essay.
Keep this in mind as you are writing. Good luck!
Your feedback will help me a lot. This is the first essay I have written to prepare for the Ielts exam, so there are certainly some errors. I will try to fix them.
Thank you very much.