Student part time jobs while learning at campus

TOPIC:
Some people think that students should work part-time in order to earn money to ensure better future opportunities, while others argue that they had better pay attention to their study so as to get good results.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

MY ESSAY:
It is often said that undergraduates ought to have part-time jobs during their school time, whereas some claim that they need to focus on their study instead of earning money. I completely agree with the idea that students should be encouraged to engage in part-time work to gain more than just money.

To begin with, there is no doubt that money is necessary in order for undergraduates to meet their basic needs. Therefore, a part-time job will allow them to at least pay for their tuition fees, as well as having a reasonable quality of life. Furthermore, it is evident that people nowadays are likely to find it hard to earn money, and working during school years will teach students to fully understand the true value of money in life, so that they will be able to form a saving habit, use money wisely and build spending plans, which are highly beneficial for their future. Although they might struggle to balance work and study, overcoming this will help them master time management to deal with deadlines effectively and achieve their goals as scheduled.

In my opinion, working while in college or university can offer many different advantages to students. Firstly, through earning, students may gain a feeling of confidence, independence, and pride in themselves, therefore they can realize their own value and have a sense of maturity. More importantly, these jobs will provide them with essential skills and useful experience that certainly improve their career prospects. For instance, because personal skills and practical experience are the key consideration when employing, candidates who have worked part-time in the past tend to be more attractive to employers when compared to those with no job experience at all.

In conclusion, I am of the opinion that students with part-time work rather than those who only concentrate on study, will thrive in the society and thus, this trend need encouraging and promoting.

Hi! I would like to have some feedbacks on your writing
1. You could take into consideration element relating to word choice in your essay, such as 'saving habit' should be 'saving plan' or 'reasonable quality of life' would be 'good quality of life' as reasonable does not go together with quality

2. Also there is a minor grammatical error in this sentence 'Although they might struggle to balance work and study balance between work and study,...."

You properly restated the prompt and delivered a clear response in line with the question being asked for the discussion. The reasoning paragraphs are where your presentation and reasoning problems can really be found. Not so much so that you would not get a passing score though. You just need to improve certain aspects to gain a higher than average passing score.

In the first reasoning paragraph, you do not need to tell the examiner that you are beginning the discussion. Merely open with a topic statement in order to highlight the theme of the paragraph. Use a transition sentence instead of a transition word to introduce the next topic. That way you get a better GRA score. You did fairly well in the first reasoning paragraph.

Your second paragraph is the problem. You changed the discussion topic in that section from justifications for your agreement to an Advantage / Disadvantage discussion. That is not what the essay is about. So the inclusion of that sentence in the paragraph was a bad move on your part. Never change the prompt requirement midstream. Always retain the essence of the original prompt to show that you have a good range of reading and comprehension skills on your part. your TA score will benefit from it. You should not be presenting an opinion in that paragraph either because it is not being asked for in the original prompt. You are only being asked to measure your rate of agreement, not give an opinion. An opinion requires a different discussion point.